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Weak XLVIII

26 November 2017

No. 1,355 (cartoon)

You’re the most egotistical person I’ve met.

It’s not polite for me to talk about others.

27 November 2017

Adriana’s Problem

Oliver suggested we play a game, “Who can tell the most woeful story?”

Why not? Here’s why not ...

When it was her turn, Adriana said, “The most difficult thing a mother can go through is losing her child; that’s what happened to me when my precious Luciana was only three.”

That was the end of the game; who could possibly follow that?

Adriana broke the awkward silence with an explanation. “I suppose it was my fault I lost her, but it was especially painful because I was holding a straight flush at the time.”

That was particularly funny—or perhaps not funny at all—because Adriana really does have a serious gambling problem. (She usually loses.)

28 November 2017

Lord of the Flies, by Me

In the course of looking for things to jettison, I came across a copy of William Golding’s tragic novel, Lord of the Flies. I describe it that way because it was a tragedy I was forced to read it then write about it in school; what a horrible way to make someone hate a great book.

In retrospect, though, I see after opening the cover that it is, “a novel by D. Rinehart.” That’s me! The author’s name is written by hand, not typeset, and after almost a half of a century later I can’t tell if it’s my handwriting or someone else’s. In any case, I think I may have a winning lawsuit here.

On the third episode of South Park, one of the adorable little children wins a national essay contest by submitting Walden and crossing out Henry David Thoreau’s name and replacing it with “Eric Cartman.”

Trey Parker and Matt Stone wrote that Walden script years after I was identified as the author of Lord of the Flies. I see no need to be litigious; I’d probably settle for a burrito dinner with them and a case or two of wine.

I should have my people contact their people, but I have no such people. I suppose I should let this go, as the Californians say.

29 November 2017

Quality Control

Apple programmers keep pushing out software that doesn’t work very well. Empirical evidence suggests there’s very little quality control, but maybe there is. As Lily Tomlin once hypothesized, “I worry that we invented Quality Control because we thought if we didn’t control it, it could get out of hand.”

30 November 2017

The World’s Colossalest Battery

Elon Musk’s empire is based on methamphetamine production; there’s no other explanation for an hombre who does more in a slow week that most people do in dozens of lifetimes. Most recently, he took a break from colonizing Mars and burrowing networks of tunnels under every megalopolis in the United States to build the world’s colossalest lithium-ion battery.

I’m impressed. Given the rapid advances in technology, I may have a battery that big sooner than later. I have my doubts, though. He fabricated it in Australia, and I remember having problems with the bizarre connectors and sockets down there. And hold everything: don’t Aussie’s electric currents go counterclockwise?

Maybe he’s not that smart after all; meth turns healthy minds into oatmeal.

1 December 2017

Six Paintings from the Internet Archive’s Permanent Collection (2017)

I made these paintings using a powerful Chinese army slingshot and paintballs. I know Six Paintings from the Internet Archive’s Permanent Collection (2017) really are in the permanent collection because I used the difficult to access concrete walls above the Really Really Great Room as my canvas.

2 December 2017

A Waste

Nell sent a copy of her new book to a prominent curator, and reported that said administraitor replied promptly.

“He said that he’s waste no time in looking at it carefully!” she enthused. “Is that great or what?!”

Poor Nell. English is not her first language, and it shows.

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©2017 David Glenn Rinehart