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Weak XXXV

28 August 2010

No. 8,702 (cartoon)

How can you be so sadistic?

Immense discipline.

29 August 2010

Willy’s Way with Words

Willy’s infatuated with Fiona, and he’s not shy about telling anyone and everyone. At great length, if not ad nauseam.

“Did I tell you that she’s so beautiful,” he asked, “that I almost wept my pants the first time I saw her?”

“Only about a dozen times,” I lied.

In fact, that was the first time I heard that remark, and thought it was bordering on brilliance. Of course, I couldn’t tell him that; the last thing he needs is any encouragement to perorate.

30 August 2010

Women’s Plumbing

I spotted a large van with “Women’s Plumbing Service” painted on the side. A female plumber? A plumber with only women for clients? Or perhaps a traveling gynecologist?

Alas, there’s so very much I don’t know about women’s plumbing.

31 August 2010

Fifty-One Trader Jose’s Salted Tortilla Chips Framed by Equilateral Triangles

I was drinking Rainier Ale and eating tortilla chips the other day, and observed that the chips were irregularly shaped, despite being mass produced. I also noticed that no chip was remotely close to an equilateral triangle.

I thought it would be fascinating to visually compare the irregular chips to an equilateral triangle, so I did. The result was Fifty-One Trader Jose’s Salted Tortilla Chips Framed by Equilateral Triangles, a work of such all-encompassing tedium that I’m rather chuffed.

1 September 2010

Sextuple Delight

Dr. Rosen surprised me at lunch by ordering two plates of the same thing, the Triple Delight special. He explained that he didn’t think of it as two huge plates of food, but rather as a Sextuple Delight meal. The sexagenarian claimed that the redundant combination was, “sextuply tasty.”

His choice also had pragmatic as well as aesthetic benefits. Dr. Rosen excels at many arts, but none of the culinary variety. The huge amount of leftovers he took home should allow him to survive until his wife returns from a brief trip to Hawai’i.

2 September 2010

The Problem with Russians

The problem with Russians is this: they don’t smoke and drink enough. Only sixty-five percent of Russians smoke, and the annual per capita vodka consumption is a mere eighteen liters.

Comrades, we can do better than that! That was the message Russia’s finance minister delivered in a recent speech.

“People should understand: Those who drink, those who smoke are doing more to help the state,” Alexei Kudrin announced. “If you smoke a pack of cigarettes, that means you are giving more to help solve social problems such as boosting demographics, developing other social services and upholding birth rates.”

Kudrin faces an uphill battle. The more people smoke, the more people will die from their addiction. And since half a million Russians perish from alcohol abuse, raising the per capita vodka consumption may be almost impossible. Russians already have a shorter life expectancy than Bangladeshis, and there’s only so much tobacco and vodka a comrade can consume in a short life.

No one ever said it’s easy to be Russian; it’s certainly not.

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©2010 David Glenn Rinehart