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Weak XVIII

30 April 2011

No. 633 (cartoon)

Our love is poison.

One person’s venom is another person’s toxin!

1 May 2011

Poor Cow Breeding Stock

Nancy called me from London, so I asked her what she thought about the royal wedding nonsense.

“It’s a bloody waste,” she replied. “Tens of millions of pounds spent celebrating a young man of no consequence acquiring fresh breeding stock.”

“Fresh breeding stock?” I asked.

“Poor cow,” Nancy continued, “she’s going to spend the rest of her life on exhibit in The Living Museum of Inbred Imbeciles.”

Nancy detests the monarchy for all the right reasons. There’ll always be an England, and that’s too bad.

2 May 2011

Faking a Bluff

I accused Brett of bluffing, but he insisted that he was only pretending to bluff. And that confused me.

If you’re faking a bluff, doesn’t that cancel things out?

3 May 2011

The Japanese Aren’t All That Different

Rhonda and I were talking about my February trip to Japan; she asked me how Japanese mothers fed their babies.

“Breasts, I suppose,” I responded. “The Japanese aren’t all that different.”

“No,” she replied. “I mean, if we use teeny little spoons, do they use toothpicks or matchsticks instead of chopsticks?”

I thought it would be fun to ask my Japanese friend Emiko that very question, so I called and asked her how she fed her infants.

“Breasts, you idiot,” she explained.

4 May 2011

The Trinidad Scorpion Butch T and the Snow Leopard

A few years ago I noted that the Bhut Jolokia, or ghost pepper, from Assam, India, was the hottest pepper in the world. But that was then and this is of course now.

And now, the Bhut Jolokia has been deposed by the Trinidad Scorpion Butch T. The Trinidad Scorpion and the Bhut Jolokia grow in India and Australia, respectively, but they both come from Trinidad.

Columbus crossed the Atlantic looking for gold, and overlooked the peppers literally under his nose. That oversight set back western civilization by at least a century or two.

The Trinidad Scorpion Butch T weighs in at almost a million and a half Scoville Heat Units. That’s at least a hundred and seventy-five times more powerful than the common jalapeño pepper, a staple of my diet.

And so, the Bhut Jolokia, the Trinidad Scorpion Butch T, et al, remain mythical creatures like the snow leopard and the yeti. I’m glad that they’re out there somewhere, but I’ll continue to be quite happy if these mythical peppers never singe my innards.

5 May 2011

Gabachos with Oversized Sombreros

”What is it with you honkys that makes you wear ridiculously oversized sombreros on Cinco de Mayo?” Amy asked.

“Beats me why we gringos act like gringos,” I replied.

“You should know that you’re not gringos,” Amy explained, “you’re actually gabachos.”

I was relieved to learn that I’m not a gringo, but my cheer didn’t last long. I looked up gabachos on the Internet and discovered that it means frogs. Dang; all this time my Hispanic friends have been calling us honkies French.

Sacré blew! I liked it better when we were gringos.

6 May 2011

Sweaty Cheese

There’s a piece of sweating cheese in the galley of my boat. It has no discernible pulse or other signs of life, not even mold. But yet, it’s sweating.

Most curious.

The cheese must die, so I’m going to cut it into slices and put it between two pieces of bread; that way I won’t be able to see if it moves when I eat it. I’ve never had food poisoning, so my straightforward plan should work flawlessly.

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©2011 David Glenn Rinehart