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15 May 2011

No. 8,603 (cartoon)

I thought I was shooting blanks.

Tell me a joke I haven’t heard.

16 May 2011

Great Coffee News

Iris sent me an article with the reassuring headline, Coffee Drinking Fights Off Prostate and Breast Cancer. I never read more; I didn’t need to. One of the reasons I’m so content with my health is that I only pay attention to medical news that supports my existing habits. That’s why I’ll remember and cite the coffee news and ignore a study that claimed eating eleven radishes (about the only food I don’t enjoy) a day results in healthier toenails.

I appreciate that I’m very fortunate to enjoy good health, perhaps that’s why I don’t worry about it very much. I’ll be dead in a few decades or sooner, so it doesn’t really matter.

17 May 2011

Exploding Watermelons!

I’ve never been to China, and may never go there for a simple reason: food. I don’t want to give the wrong impression, so I’ll preface my concerns by saying that I love Chinese cuisine. Szechuan peppers? Yes please! Fiery Hunan fare? Gimme gimme gimme!

But:

Empirical evidence suggests that food safety is one of the first casualties of Chinese entrepreneurial zeal. Recent examples include bleach in mushrooms, melamine in milk, human birth control medication in cucumbers, cadmium in rice, borax in pork, barite in chickens, arsenic in soy sauce, ad nausea.

And then there are the exploding watermelons. Liu Mingsuo decided to accelerate the growth of his watermelons by adding forchlorfenuron, a plan that worked all too well. The result: the watermelons exploded like exploding watermelons.

What new additive will Chinese farmers and food processors think of next? Whatever it is, I shall avoid it, since there’s a good chance that anything edible in China really isn’t.

18 May 2011

Trader Joe’s Blended Scotch Whisky

I’m sipping Trader Joe’s Blended Scotch Whisky, and rather enjoying it. The distilled beverage has lowered my entertainment threshold so much that I’m reading the label on the bottle.

The manufacturer claims this cheap rotgut has, “hints of honey, apple, and toffee.”

?!

I’m also advised, “This versatile drink brings enjoyment to every occasion.” Since I’m enjoying reading the inanity on the label, this is self-evidently true.

I wonder how many people base their whisky purchase on the written description? Does anyone buy this swill because of the promise of hints of honey? Does anyone put it back on the shelf because whisky shouldn’t taste like toffee?

I’d describe the Scotch juice as having a vaseline bouquet with overtones of lighter fluid: smooth!

19 May 2011

Everyone Needs an Editor

Derek reports that his courtship with his “six-week old girlfriend” Isabella is going well.

“I think you could have worded that better,” I suggested.

“Everyone needs an editor,” Derek shrugged.

20 May 2011

Bernie’s Irrelevant Music Collection

Bernie’s not mad at Dahlia, so Dahlia’s mad at Bernie.

The non-feud started a few months ago when Bernie ended his romantic relationship with Dahlia. She didn’t take the development well, and decided to exact revenge. Bernie has thousands of musical recordings; the disks cover two very large walls of his living room. Dahlia pulled all of the recordings out of their sleeves, threw them in a pile, then randomly put them back in different cases. She knew that it would take Bernie days to reorganize his collection.

Unfortunately—or fortunately, depending on one’s perspective—Dahlia’s clever plan didn’t work. She never noticed that Bernie never listens to his recordings; the walls of music are there to impress visitors, not for listening. He has yet to discover her prank, and probably never will.

Dahlia’s doubly annoyed. She failed to antagonize Bernie, and she missed the opportunity to walk away with thousands of recordings that Bernie never would have missed.

Bernie’s not mad at Dahlia, so Dahlia’s mad at Bernie. It’s one of those things.

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©2011 David Glenn Rinehart