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Weak XXI

21 May 2012

No. 9,844 (cartoon)

I can’t express how I feel.

If wounds could speak, you’d be eloquent.

22 May 2012

An Amazing Throw

I don’t like sports. I never have, and probably never will. And so, I don’t really understand what happened tonight.

I visited an Internet news site, and saw a video of a straightforward baseball play: one player threw a ball over a hundred meters to another player to deny the opposing team a run. It happens all the time. What made this throw unusual was its perfection. The play would not have worked had the ball arrived a fraction of a second later or half a meter off target.

I watched the short video over and over again, more proof—as if any was needed—that baseball is most interesting after lots of beer.

23 May 2012

Gratuitous Photo of the Weak: George A. Posey Tube

The George A. Posey Tube connects Alameda and Oakland, California. I have no idea why the gloomy, narrow tunnel is an historic bridge. I’m guessing that someone must have bribed someone, but that’s only conjecture.

24 May 2012

Necrotizing Fasciitis

If anyone needs yet another reason to avoid the wretched American state of Georgia, here it is: flesh-eating bacteria, or necrotizing fasciitis.

Bobby Vaughn survived his attack after surgeons lopped off a kilogram of meat from his groin. (I’m grateful that the lazy reporter who wrote the brief story provided no more information than that.) Aimee Copeland has suffered through multiple amputations in an attempt to stop the bacteria’s pernicious advances. And then there’s the sad story of Lana Kuykendall, who somehow contracted necrotizing fasciitis in the course of giving birth to twins in an Atlanta hospital.

I guess these tragedies are one of the reasons that state tourism officials came up with the slogan, Georgia! Oh what a state to be in!

25 May 2012

Doggy Justice

Derek stepped in an improbably large pile of dog feces this afternoon, an unfortunate incident that led him to come up with a judicial insight worthy of Solomon.

He proposed that anyone who lets their canine defecate in a public place without cleaning up the droppings should be forced to eat their dog’s waste. On the spot, while it’s still steaming. And without ketchup.

The idea is self-evidently brilliant; who would not be in favor of such a law?

26 May 2012

A Man, a Parrot, and a Zebra Walk Out of a Bar ...

Jerald Reiter was recently arrested outside of a Dubuque bar for trying to drive away while drunk. And that’s fine with me, a drunk driver killed a teenage girlfriend of mine.

Reiter might not have been caught had he not called attention to himself by driving around with a parrot and a zebra in the front seat of his truck. This is one of those stories with a clear moral story. Don’t drive if you’re drunk. And if you do decide to drive while drunk, be sure to do so with exotic animals. That way you’ll attract police attention because of your menagerie instead of a bloody wreck.

27 May 2012

Headless Baby

Even though I was born, I don’t remember anything about the event. Empirical evidence suggests that I emerged from my mother’s womb intact, which is more than a stillborn Brazilian child can say.

A team of five doctors at a Santa Isabel maternity hospital tried this, that, and the other thing in the course of trying to deliver a young mother’s fourth child. The other thing proved to be a tragic mistake; the doctors accidentally pulled off the newborn’s, er, stillborn’s head. On a positive note, I doubt that the dead baby was surprised; it was probably so shocked by the exit from the womb that it probably didn’t notice the loss of its body.

The news report I read made no mention of any attempt to reattach the head. I’m not surprised; what if they put the right head on the wrong headless body, or vice-versa?

Once again, I’m so glad I’m barren, and that my mother brought me into the world in one piece.

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©2012 David Glenn Rinehart