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Weak XLIX

3 December 2012

No. 7,475 (cartoon)

Leprechauns can’t toast!

I find your nonsequiturs tiresome.

Whisky tentacles at dawn!

4 December 2012

Plain Economics

Carlos came to my conceptual rescue when I complained that I didn’t understand economics. I know enough to spend less than I have and thus have never been in debt, but the global financial picture remained out of focus.

“Contemporary economics is based on the untenable premise of infinite growth,” he explained. “It’s unsustainable in the long run, but since we’re going to be dead in the short run, who cares?”

I still don’t understand economics, but thanks to Carlos I now know that I don’t have to do so. I’ll be dead long before the inevitable collapse of the pyramid scheme.

5 December 2012

Gratuitous Photo of the Weak: Urination Flag

It’s foggy and misty today, so it’s no surprise that I got a tad disoriented whilst cycling through the park. I wasn’t really lost, just somewhat misplaced. I had no idea where to find a public toilet, but that wasn’t a problem thanks to some great work by landscape architects.

City workers mowed a perfect circle in a meadow and put a small drain in he middle. If that wasn’t obvious enough, the planted a flag in the cup. Even a Martian could have figured out where to urinate; I did.

6 December 2012

When I Was Ten

For some reason, I remember that almost every event in my prepubescent life happened when I was ten. That’s when my parents got amicably divorced. That’s when my cousin accidentally obliterated most of my right index finger with a sledgehammer. That’s when I first held hands with a woman, er, girl: Sandy, on the bus en route back from a field trip to the sewage treatment plant. And that’s when I got my first new bicycle, a purple metal flake Schwinn stingray complete with ape hanger handlebars, a banana seat, and a three-speed transmission. I got it as a holiday present in the middle of winter, and put fifteen clicks on the odometer riding it around in circles in the basement waiting for the snow to melt before I ever rode it outside.

I’m as certain as one can be that all of those things actually happened. I lost touch with Sandy; our intimate relationship ended when we got off the bus. I suppose I could ascertain whether or not I was ten at the time of the other events by asking my mother, but I’m not going risk the truth altering my memories.

7 December 2012

Torah! Torah! Torah!

The Internet is a wonderful source of information and venomous ignorance. As for the latter, Herbert showed me a repugnant email he received “that proves that the Jews and the Japs attacked Pearl Harbor.” The anonymous hatemonger went on to claim, “the Japs shouted the Jew war cry, ‘Torah! Torah! Torah!’ when they dropped there [sic] bombs.”

Oy!

I was surprised when Paul, a Jewish friend of mine, laughed at the story.

“Believe me,” he explained, “I’ve heard a lot worse. These meshuggeners have been at it for thousands of years.”

8 December 2012

Cat Squat!

I like police stories, but only the ones that have a happy ending with no one getting hurt. There aren’t many like that, but I did hear about one in Suournes, Iceland.

Residents there noticed that a neighbor’s home had an open window, something one doesn’t see there during the brutal winters. They called the police, who entered the house and found intruders having a party. Specifically, they found “two or three cats sleeping on a couch.” (That’s how felines around the world carouse.)

Actually, that’s not specific at all. Two or three?! I can’t believe Icelandic police are so unobservant and/or untrained in counting cats. The only accurate way to enumerate felines is to count their eyes and legs, then divide by six. I thought everyone around the world knew that.

The police evicted the poor pusses and locked the window, so I guess the story doesn’t have a happy ending after all. Unless, of course, the possible third cat eluded the inept law officers and now has exclusive use of the couch.

9 December 2012

Obviously

It’s late and I’m tired. And so, instead of thinking of something to say, I’m going to repeat some of the better headlines I’ve come across. (Please pardon the inconsistent use of upper and lower case; I’m reprinting them as they first appeared.)

Utah Poison Control Center reminds people not to take poison

Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

Females likelier to test for women’s diseases

High-fat, high sugar diet may fuel weight gain, study finds

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons

Health Officials: Pools, Diarrhea Not Good Mix

Winter is the only time to go ice fishing

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age twenty-five

Rally against apathy draws small crowd

10 December 2012

Stormy Weather

Hoo boy, what a literal and conceptual storm! The decks are awash in a sea of words, and I can’t begin to wade through ’em.

Loose cannon!

Batten down the hatches!

More grog!

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©2012 David Glenn Rinehart