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Weak XIX

7 May 2013

No. 4,548 (cartoon)

Your letter to me began, “Dead,” not “Dear.”

I’ve never made a typographical error. Ever.

8 May 2013

The Future Is Furry

It’s getting harder and harder to be a vegetarian. Nora was aghast to learn that the bacon-flavored texturized vegetable protein and textured soy protein she’s been eating is, in fact, plain old hog-based bacon.

That seems to be part of a trend. Producers in China are making faux fur from dog pelts. Or, to use a double negative, faux faux fur. It seems that the fur of the raccoon dog can pass for one hundred percent polyester, and who wouldn’t want real polyester? What’s more, as the fine retailers at the Neiman Marcus chain of department stores can attest, you can sell a “raccoon coat” made from raccoon dog for nineteen hundred dollars.

That’s what I call a useful dog, as opposed to the usual worthless mutt. It’s no wonder that Chinese entrepreneurs are slaughtering them by the tens of thousands. The future is furry; wear it!

9 May 2013

Shoot Hippies!

I saw an open-topped bus driving down Haight Street with SHOOT HIPPIES! painted in huge letters almost as tall as the coach. Tourists were leaning over the side, cameras in hand, looking for hippies to photograph, or shoot. The visitors had been swindled; I think there are only three hippies left in all of San Francisco. The pitiful trio has been hanging out in front of the same corner liquor store since 1967 or so. Even the word “hippy” would have vanished by now were it not for the tireless efforts of Eric Cartman to preserve it.

10 May 2013

Gratuitous Photo of the Weak: Aurora

I rarely photograph friends; I prefer to remember how they look—and, more importantly, their presence—from memories rather than a smattering of images. I photographed Aurora wrapped in a shawl in front of the fireplace on a warm spring night because it’s more of an image of her life approaching ninety than it is a record of her appearance.

11 May 2013

The Misery in Boston

Derek called from Boston and reported he was still shaken by recent events there. I told him that I couldn’t provide much sympathy since neither he nor anyone he knew had been even slightly hurt by the bomb blasts or even seen the resulting carnage.

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” he agreed. “Three weeks ago I was at Fenway watching a game. In the middle of the eighth, out comes Neil Diamond and starts singing some crappy song through the stadium’s speakers. There was no warning, and no time for tens of thousands of people to escape. It’s a miracle no one was trampled to death in the rush for the exits.”

And with that, Derek and other innocent victims of the sonic brutality had my complete sympathy. Poor buggers; they never had a chance.

12 May 2013

Dining with Children

Iris likes all things macabre, so I told her that researchers had documented that cannibals were active at Jamestown.

“That’s great!” she enthused. “Was Jim Jones a diner or a dinner?”

“What are you talking about? I asked.

“Was Jim Jones a cannibal or a cannibal’s meal?” she explained.

Aha!

I told her I was talking about the Jamestown settlement in Virginia, not Jonestown in Guyana. Archeologists recently documented that desperately hungry colonists dug up the corpses of children to survive.

I thought that was sufficiently grotesque to merit calling her, but she didn’t. There’s just no pleasing some people, and Iris is one of them.

13 May 2013

Yeti Habitat Protection Zones

Dr. Hayes has returned from elevated adventures in Bhutan. He reports that some of Bhutan’s national parks are officially “Yeti Habitat Protection Zones.” I have no reason to believe or disbelieve him. Yetis are of no interest to me, even if their antlers are proven aphrodisiacs. Who needs aphrodisiacs?

14 May 2013

Athena Has Seoul

Athena flew back to Seoul today, alas. When I told her I was going to be sad when she’s so far away, she said I shouldn’t be concerned.

“It’s not far away at all when you live there,” she explained.

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©2013 David Glenn Rinehart