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Weak III

15 January 2014

No. 6,829 (cartoon)

All you do is lie.

Most of my lies are true.

16 January 2014

Is Dreaming of Being Awake Sleeping?

I’m exhausted. I shouldn’t be, but I am.

I slept over eight hours, but spent too much of that time dreaming that I was awake. A lot of those dreams were nightmares; perhaps that’s some sort of compensation for nothing bad ever happening when I’m awake.

I wonder if time spent dreaming I’m awake really qualifies as sleep? That’s something I shall have to contemplate later. At the moment, it’s time for a nap.

17 January 2014

The Digestive Rainbow

Annie asked me to name my favorite color. I’m a chromophobe, so I knew it was a trick question.

“I know that you don’t care about my aesthetic preference,” I replied, “so I assume you asked me about my favorite color so I’d query you about your favorite color, no?”

For once, I was right. She made no pretense of being interested in my answer, and announced that vomitus is her favorite color.

I protested that vomit wasn’t a color, and, to my surprise, she agreed.

“It’s not just one color,” she explained, “it’s all the colors of the digestive rainbow. It’s never the same color twice; that’s why it’s my favorite.”

As a chromophobe, I couldn’t argue with that and didn’t.

18 January 2014

Yummy Nums!

Wanda and Joel invited me over for breakfast. I don’t understand why this is, but there’s something curiously appealing about a large Saturday or Sunday breakfast even though I rarely eat anything before noon on other days. Even more curious is the way I can’t look at fried eggs without thinking of Salvador Dali, who described the greasy chicken embryos as, “a highly Dalinian foodstuff.”

And then there’s sex, or, more accurately, the lack thereof. I’m recalling Luis Buñuel’s description of the way Dali abused women.

Salvador Dali seduced many ladies, particularly American ladies, but these seductions usually consisted of stripping them naked in his apartment, frying a couple of eggs, putting them on the woman’s shoulders and, without a word, showing them the door.

I skipped the fried eggs and enjoyed lox and bagels; yummy nums!

19 January 2014

Water Conservation Strategies

Stephan knew exactly what to do when the governor of California declared a drought emergency: he’s evangelizing the practice of urinating in the sink. He points out that there’s no Plateau-Rayleigh Instability splatter, and that a cup of water is sufficient to rinse the sink, as opposed to using ten or twenty liters of potable water to flush a toilet.

I disagreed with him, and not just because my sink is full of dirty dishes. I suggested that a drought is the perfect time to use more water in general and take longer showers in particular. Conserving water is a bad idea; it only encourages unsustainable development.

I went on to suggest that if he wanted to make a positive difference, he should urinate on needy plants in the park after a nice, long shower.

Stephan thought about my suggestions, but not for long. He admitted he really didn’t care about conserving natural resources in general and water in particular; his facetious argument was intended to motivate me to wash my dirty dishes, which he found to be “most unhygienic.”

He relaxed and changed the subject after I pointed out that we were slurping frosty Rainier Ale out of factory-fresh cans, not dirty glasses.

20 January 2014

Dumber Than Dirt

When Andrew declared that Walter is dumber than dirt, I had to say something. My friends mean more to me than anything, so I set Andrew straight.

“You may have thought you were insulting Walter,” I declared, “but you really just denigrated our fine planet and all the microorganisms that live in its soil.”

Andrew was appropriately chastened, and vowed to be more appreciative of dirt and its denizens in the future.

21 January 2014

The Poor Have Too Much Money

I’m troubled by a recent Oxfam report: half of the world’s population—some three and a half billion people—have as much material wealth as the eight-five richest people on the planet.

What an outrage!

What are all those poor people sleeping in the dirt under grass roofs—if that!—doing with so much money? Wasting it on rice and beer, that’s my guess. Meanwhile, the wealthiest few are forced to compromise unnecessarily.

I think there’s no reason that the eight-five wealthiest people on earth can’t have eight-five percent of all the planet’s assets. After all, they’re needier than the rest of us, so why not?

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©2014 David Glenn Rinehart