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Weak XXXIX

24 September 2014

No. 2,487 (cartoon)

You need to address your mortality.

My mortality will address me.

25 September 2014

Cold Water Heater

Hot water heaters annoy Sandra. She has no problems with the appliances as such; it’s a semantic irritant.

“It’s not a hot water heater,” she explained, “it’s a cold water heater. Who in the hell heats hot water?”

I don’t take her seriously when decries the naming convention as, “just about the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” I know it won’t be long before she identifies something else as just about the stupidest thing she’s ever heard. She’s always agitated and thus never bored; what a gift!

26 September 2014

Bergeron’s Dubious Discount

Eric told me that patrons who bring a gun to Bergeron’s, a Cajun restaurant in Port Allen, Louisiana, get a ten percent discount. That doesn’t seem like a very good deal to me.

If I was armed, I think I’d be in a good position to negotiate much better terms. Why, people ’round these parts have been known to dine for free simply by brandishing a loaded weapon with the right finesse. I guess Cajuns just aren’t very good entrepreneurs.

27 September 2014

Obnoxious Head Cameras

A few weeks ago Gomez showed up with some expensive eyeglasses that feature a built-in computer and camera. He could control the device simply by jerking and twisting his head spasmodically like someone getting shock treatment. He looked so ridiculous I wanted to take a similar approach.

For a tenth of what Gomez paid for his glasses, I mounted a cheap video camera on the top of my bike helmet. It looks positively preposterous! I have yet to think of any silly art project to do with it, but it could be a good way to make a lot of money. I leave it on during the hour or so a day I’m on my bike, and if I happen to make a video of a fiery jet crashing, well, that’s probably a few hundred thousand dollars right there.

Of course, I’d prefer not to see hundreds of people die, so I’ll be happy if I never make that much money in an afternoon. Win-win as the Californians say.

28 September 2014

Twelve Rainier Ale Cans Approaching Infrathin

I enjoy translating three-dimensional objects into two dimensions. I usually use a camera for that, but the steamroller I employed this afternoon also worked well. The title of the piece, Twelve Rainier Ale Cans Approaching Infrathin, pretty much says it all.

In retrospect, I shouldn’t have rinsed the cans before crushing them; I would have liked the work better if it smelled like the floor of a bar. I’ve never worked with smell as a medium, so like everything else I’ve done, it makes no scents.

29 September 2014

Older Than the Sun

The water on earth is older than the sun. I can’t understand how this can be, but I read it on the Internet so it has to be true.

Crazy, daddio!

30 September 2014

Artist in Residence of the Month!

Doggies; I’m just bustin’ my buttons with pride, for I’ve been given the acclaimed title of the Internet Archive Artist in Residence of the month! My bitter, envious critics have pointed out that I created the prestigious award, that the Internet Archive has never had another artist in residence, that I was the only person eligible to vote, and other specious arguments.

So?

The petty, jealous underachievers are just envious of my enhanced stature and renown, and are too pitiful and pathetic to be taken seriously.

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©2014 David Glenn Rinehart