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Weak XLIII

22 October 2014

No. 9,797 (cartoon)

Your lies keep me safe.

23 October 2014

The Subject Matter Does All the Work

I enjoyed a scrummy dinner last night with Gale. We talked about how easy it was to make images that were cute, e.g., kittens, shocking, e.g., beheadings, or otherwise formulaic. She agreed that photographs in which the subject matter does all the work were of little interest.

I told her I hadn’t heard the phrase, “the subject matter does all the work,” and that I assumed it was popular in academia, a boring neighborhood I studiously avoid. She replied that she came up with the phrase, and that as far as she was aware no one else had used it.

It’s too bad that Gale will never get credited with such a concise, insightful observation if it every becomes widely used. One of the rules of popular quotations is that they’re always attributed to famous people. Benjamin Franklin plagiarized virtually all of his adages from his friends and colleagues. I just made that up, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was true.

24 October 2014

Skin for Brains!

Scientists Convert Human Skin Cells Directly Into Brain Cells

That headline in the scientific journal Neuron was all I needed to know to envision a glorious future. I didn’t read the article, of course; life’s too short for such minutia. I assume all I will have to do it take a medicinal bubble bath or apply some ointment or salve, et voilà! Skin for brains!

Skin is the largest human organ, but that’s just the beginning. Who wouldn’t want to truthfully tell their romantic partner, “I love you for your brains?” Will morbidly obese people become the smartest people on the planet?

I’m very excited by the dawn of a new era in human evolution, but I must stop writing this very instant. I simply must go out and enjoy my abundant stupidity while it lasts.

25 October 2014

Unflattering Ebola Photograph

News organizations are circulating a photograph of the Ebola virus; what a great public service! Now, if I have a fever and/or severe headache and/or muscle pain and/or weakness and/or fatigue and/or diarrhea and/or vomiting and/or abdominal pain, I just need to take a blood sample, grab my microscope, and see if I’m just about to die a harrowing, nightmarish death from Ebola.

What could be simpler or safer? I can’t understand where all the pandemonium is coming from. It must be some sort of publicity stunt organized by the International Microscope Manufacturers Association.

I wonder why editor(s) chose the Ebola image they disseminated? The one I saw depicts the virus as a scrawny, flaccid penis; I wonder if that was an intentional move to suggest that the organism is weak and impotent? I think they should have distributed a photograph of a powerful, virile, and threatening killer; that would keep people on their toes.

26 October 2014

A Legend in My Own Mind

“David, you’re an infinite run-on sentence,” Luka declared with no small amount of exasperation.

I wasn’t offended; Luka lives is a constant state of annoyance and vexation. I chose not to interpret the remark as an insult, even though I’m sure that it was intended as one. Unfortunately for Luka, I’m a legend in my own mind so it’s impossible to insult me. My relentless optimism annoys Luka even more, so our visits never disappoint.

27 October 2014

Niklas’s Best Month Ever

Niklas announced confidently that November would, without a doubt, be the best month of his life, full of exhilaration, remarkable achievements, intense love, inexhaustible energy, sublime insights, and so very much more.

“How can you be so sure?” I asked.

“Let’s just say that nobody—nobody!—is better at self-delusion than me,” he replied with an irritatingly smug smile.

His pathetic response made me glad that I’m a legend in my own mind who doesn’t suffer from Niklas’s blinding self-delusion.

28 October 2014

Lily’s Pleasant Stupefaction

Lily has just fallen in love with Elias, and, unfortunately, she’s not at all shy about letting everyone know in exhaustive and exhausting detail.

“I keep listening to the Buzzcocks’ song ‘I Believe’ and thinking of my handsome Elias,” she said when she came out of her romantic trance long enough to put together a sentence.

I replied that that is indeed a vigorously pleasant tune as long as one turns a blind ear to lyrics like, “I believe in the final solution,” and ignores the chorus, “There is no love in this world anymore.”

She snapped out of her stupor for half a second to consider what I said before slipping back into her haze.

“When I’m in love,” she announced, “every song is a love song.”

I’m not concerned about her disturbing behavior; infatuation isn’t a long-term problem.

29 October 2014

“San Francisco” “Giants” Win “World Series”

This is the second time in almost nineteen years of penning (computering?) this twaddle that I’m consciously repeating word for word something I wrote previously, in this case on 1 November 2010 and 28 October 2012. Let the cutting and pasting begin!

Today, news outlets report that the San Francisco Giants won the world series. But that’s not exactly true.

First, mercenaries from around the world comprise the team. I doubt any of the baseball players are actually from San Francisco, or will choose to stay here after their contracts expire.

And as for San Francisco, the original name of the “team” is the Troy City Trojans. It was founded in 1879, and has moved from city to city ever since. They could be the Biloxi Giants tomorrow; who knows?

Third, the “giants” look like ordinary humans, not behemoths. A few paunchy guys, a couple that look downright scrawny, but no one over two meters tall. In short, no giants.

And finally, the only baseball teams eligible to play in the “world” series are from the United States. I think there may be one or two from Canada, but that’s virtually the same thing.

Go Giants!

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©2014 David Glenn Rinehart