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Weak L

11 December 2014

No. 7,187 (cartoon)

Do you still hate me?

Only when I breathe.

12 December 2014

Spider Breath

Malcolm was a wreck when he showed up at my studio this morning. I wasn’t surprised when he complained that he was unable to sleep last night; he’s always suffering from some real or imagined ailment.

“You look like you were rode hard and put away wet,” I observed, “what happened?”

“Spider breath,” Malcolm replied, “spider breath is what happened.”

He went on to explain that just as he was about to drift off to sleep he felt the cold, acidic breath of spiders against his skin. As soon as he turned on the lights, though, he saw and felt nothing. He tried sleeping with the lights on, but couldn’t go to sleep. The spiders won the nocturnal battle; Malcolm finally awoke after less than an hour of sleep with no evidence that that the spiders were ever there; he didn’t have a single bite.

“How can you be sure spiders were breathing on you if you have no proof?” I asked.

“Once you’ve felt spider breath, you know,” he explained without explaining anything.

13 December 2014

Giddy-Up!

Ursula drank almost two glasses of wine during our three-hour visit. Unfortunately, she said that almost everyone else in her family eschews sobriety and drinks with great abandon.

“Does alcoholism run in your family?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, “it gallops.”

14 December 2014

My Life With the Northern White Rhinoceroses

Almost seventeen percent of all the northern white rhinoceroses in the world died today; her name was Angalifu. For the first time in my life, I have the urge to be a wildlife biologist. I envision myself becoming an authority on the northern white rhinoceros. With only five left, how hard could that be?

The five surviving members of this vanishing species are all in captivity, so I wouldn’t have to venture into the jungle with tropical diseases, vicious insects, and poachers with automatic weapons threatening me. And when the last northern white rhinoceros pops his or her clogs, I can retire and write a gripping memoir, My Life With the Northern White Rhinoceroses.

15 December 2014

An Eye on the Tongue

I’ve never of a heard of a single creature that has an eye on its tongue or tongue in its eye. Seeing what you’re eating and tasting what you’re seeing has myriad benefits; why hasn’t evolution taken care of this by now?

16 December 2014

Buzzbomb Electroshock 801

Ross decided he simply must buy a guitar immediately, so we headed to Alfonso’s Guitar Heaven. After perusing the hundreds of axes on offer, he pointed to a candy cherry red Buzzbomb Electroshock 801 and announced that was the guitar he was going to buy.

“Aren’t you going to test it before spending eighteen hundred dollars?” I asked.

“Thanks for humoring me, David” he replied, “but we both know I’m never going to play it. I’ve always been a poseur and always will be.”

I found his integrity refreshing; I wish all the people who wear fifteen thousand dollar Leica necklaces were as honest.

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©2014 David Glenn Rinehart