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Weak VII

12 February 2015

No. 1,171 (cartoon)

You’re in an alcoholic fog.

It’s good for my complexion!

13 February 2015

Before or After Five?

Katia told me that there was vodka in my orange juice, and that it was eleven o’clock in the morning.

“Thanks for the news flash,” I said, “but as an artist, I really do have a keen grasp of the obvious.”

“But you always quoted Ansel Adams as saying that he never drank before five, but after five he made up for it,” she protested.

“Five in the morning was six hours ago,” I noted.

“I’m sure he meant five in the afternoon,” she countered.

“We’ll never know since he died over thirty years ago,” I replied. “And anyway, even if you’re right, I’m sure Ansel would have made an exception if he was trapped in the miserable tropical hell that is Hawai’i.”

Katia thought about it for a moment before pouring some vodka in her orange juice.

14 February 2015

Happy VD!

Today is Valentine’s Day.

The mythological critter Cupid is an icon of Valentine’s Day.

“Cupidity” is defined, in part, as, “greed for money or possessions.”

It all makes sense; happy VD!

15 February 2015

Hawai’ian Islands Ukulele Festival

I’m leaving Hawai’i, and not a moment too soon. If I hear one more wretched ukulele ... well, I don’t exactly know what I’ll do, but I’m certainly going to do it.

If I ever come back to these miserable islands, I’m going to organize The Great Hawai’ian Islands Ukulele Festival. The premise is simple: I’ll invite every ukulele player on the islands to the event, and offer free admission to anyone who brings a ukulele. I’ll pile all the vile “musical instruments” into a huge pyramid, douse them with petrol, then start an inferno that will make the Kilauea volcano look dim by comparison.

Huzzah and good riddance!

16 February 2015

A Major Oversight

Andy is embarrassed, and rightly so. He reported that he was deeply engrossed in programming his computer when Andrea walked into the room to discuss plans for the weekend. They’d been talking for perhaps five minutes when she asked him if he noticed anything different. He was halfway through saying, “no, not really,” when he turned toward her and discovered that she was as naked as a jaybird, as nude as the minute she was born.

When he called this afternoon, he said that he wasn’t sure whether Andrea was serious when she told him he’d be sleeping with his computer tonight; he added that he was too afraid to ask.

17 February 2015

Induced into the Sewing Hall of Fame

Elaine showed me the slim catalog that arrived in today’s mail; it was from Ray’s Sewing Machine Center, “The only Dealer in California that has been induced [sic] into the Sewing Hall of Fame not just once, but twice.”

Wow!

At this stage of my life I’ll probably never be induced into the Sewing Hall of Fame, not even once. On the other hand, Ray’s Sewing Machine Center—since 1947!—will be my first stop should I ever consider taking up sewing.

18 February 2015

X’nnián kuàilè!

Kurt and Athena are fighting like China is at war with Korea, which may or may not be the case. My Korean friend Athena took umbrage when Kurt described tomorrow’s holiday as, “the Chinese new year,” when it was obviously the Korean new year. Kurt, who’s Chinese, insists she’s obviously mistaken, “as any knowledgeable person would undoubtedly appreciate.”

I stepped in to suggest that they agree to call it the lunar new year, and that was all it took to finally get them to unite. They both concurred that I was the biggest idiot in the room for suggesting that it’s neither the Chinese nor the Korean new year. Oh well, at least I led them to common ground.

X’nnián kuàilè! Or perhaps not.

19 February 2015

Photoshop at Twenty-five

Twenty-five years ago today was the first time anyone could buy a copy of the now ubiquitous computer imaging program, Photoshop. If memory serves (an increasingly dubious proposition), ’twas twenty-five years ago tomorrow that I first obtained a pirated copy of Photoshop.

I’ve always appreciated Jean Cocteau’s observation, “Stupidity is always amazing, no matter how used to it you become.” It’s too bad the same can’t be said of technology.

Charles Lindbergh astounded everyone when he flew from New York to Paris in 1927; now anyone with enough money can do that, then later complain about what an unpleasant experience s/he had. Twenty-five years ago I was astonished that I could make photographs without using silver halide, today I take it for granted that each photograph I make contains some two hundred and fifty million bytes of information.

Yawn ...

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©2015 David Glenn Rinehart