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Weak XXXV

28 August 2015

No. 2,743 (cartoon)

I’m deliriously happy!

Why?

I’m delirious!

29 August 2015

I Had a Dream

I had a lucid dream last night in which I used avocados as lethal weapons. I was trying to get to the airport in Paris, but kept losing my belongings along the way, notably my cameras and most of my clothes. Whenever I was trapped, as I frequently was, I just squeezed an avocado until the seed ejected as a deadly projectile. Nevertheless, I think I missed my flight.

Everyone has weird dreams, including Martin Luther King, Junior. He famously imagined living in a surreal world where people were judged, “by the content of their character.” Now that’s just crazy talk! Perhaps because of the phantasmagorical visions, people are still talking about the “I Have a Dream” speech he gave fifty-two years and one day ago. Of course, it didn’t hurt that he shared his freakish vision with a quarter of a million people.

So for, I’ve only shared by hallucinatory nightmare with Luciana and Nell. There were both underwhelmed; I doubt they’ll ever repeat it. And so, I suppose my dream of weaponized fruit will remain all but unknown outside of avocado circles.

30 August 2015

I Love a Parade

Ali treated me to a lovely dinner at the Cliff House last night. I especially liked the surroundings. The restaurant is indeed on a cliff overlooking the ocean, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Instead, I enjoyed the parade of passing tourists wearing everything from ill-advised beach attire to cheap formalwear.

I made an appropriately obscure photograph of the Camera Obscura without getting up from the table. Once again, sloth and chance served me well.

31 August 2015

The Americans

I was visiting Imogen when she demanded that I watch an episode of a television show, The Americans, with her. I couldn’t leave without missing the dinner she was baking, so I reluctantly agreed.

The show involved Soviet and American spies in the eighties. My, how television espionage has changed since the derring-do of Maxwell Smart and Agent Ninety-Nine. I wasn’t watching the clock, but it seemed like the undercover agents were having sex and/or killing someone every five minutes. I found the drama tedious, and was glad when the episode concluded.

Imogen works for the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service, so I asked her what the ratio was between cases she successfully mediated with sex versus murder. She told me that I was an idiot, and that I was confusing the FMCS with the FBI. She never did tell me how many clients she’s seduced and/or killed.

To end on a positive note, as I almost always do, the salmon was way yummy, and I’m as sure as one can be about these things that she’ll never ask me to watch a vapid television show with her again.

1 September 2015

God Told Me to Skin You Alive

Kim Davis, a county clerk in Kentucky, has ignored court orders and a directive from the governor and refuses to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. She explained that she’s taking orders from god, not trifling earthly authorities.

Yikes!

No one is more terrifying and menacing than someone following god’s commands, whether it’s rabid ISIS lunatics or a homophobic backwater redneck.

“God told me to skin you alive.”

With that memorable introduction to his song, “I Kill Children,” Jello Biafra captured the delusional zeal of insaniacs on a mission from god.

God told me these observations would offend no one; she has to be right.

2 September 2015

Literally Dead

A couple days ago, someone murdered a Texas sheriff’s deputy at a gas station. According to Harris County Sheriff Ron Hickman, a man approached the officer from behind, then, “literally shot him to death.”

It’s too bad the assailant didn’t figuratively shoot him to death; no one would have died.

Literally.

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©2015 David Glenn Rinehart