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1 October 2015

No. 6,263 (cartoon)

Why did you hit me?

Sometimes words simply aren’t enough.

2 October 2015

Birthday Math

Malcolm threw a nice party yesterday for Ursula on her fiftieth birthday. I’m glad I went, but Ursula certainly wasn’t.

Every time I hear someone’s birthdate, I always subtract nine months to find out when they were conceived. It’s just one of the many useless things I do that, on rare occasions, proves amusing. Ursula, however, was not at all amused when I pointed out that she was probably conceived on new year’s eve.

“I find the thought of my parents having sex most distasteful,” she replied before asking me to talk about, “something more pleasant.”

I was tempted to cheer her up by suggesting that perhaps her father didn’t have sex that night, but she would have probably found something to criticize about that observation as well. Ursula’s simply one of those people who always finds something about which to complain, even at her own birthday party.

3 October 2015

Adored by Otters, Cursed by Women

Ross told me that he saw this improbable headline in the Daily Mail last Friday: “Adored by otters, cursed by women.”

?!

I changed the subject immediately because I didn’t want some pesky facts ruining an enigma. More importantly, I don’t want to admit that I’m even aware of something that appeared in the mediocre tabloid; it’s bad enough that I even know someone who reads such lurid, sensationalist drivel.

Adored by otters?!

4 October 2015

National Poetry Day

Today is National Poetry Day, but no one seems to have noticed.

Whew!

5 October 2015

An Oasis of Catsup

Nerissa obviously did something to anger her boss; she sent her to a meeting in Gary, Indiana. After her first day in exile, she told me she couldn’t wait to return to a city where there is a restaurant that doesn’t have a bottle of catsup on every table.

I’m trying hard to sympathize with her, but I just can’t since she pooh-poohed my suggestion to travel with a liter of hot sauce. That’s what she gets for going into a Primitive Zone unprepared, and without adequate supplies.

6 October 2015

The Most Efficacious Ale

Miranda accused me of being hypocritical by vilifying Tadcaster Brewery for marketing counterfeit Newcastle Brown Ale. She pointed out that I continue to extol the myriad qualities of Rainier Ale even though the Rainier Brewing Company closed 1999.

“It’s true that Rainier Ale is brewed in Irwindale, California,” I explained, “but the swill in the mesmerizingly green can is arguably better than ever.”

“That’s not saying much,” Miranda replied.

“There’s more to taste than taste,” I continued. “It’s stronger than ever, and perhaps the most efficacious ale one can buy without a prescription.”

“Are you saying you drink it just for the alcohol?” she asked.

“No,” I lied, “I drink it for hydration. It is, after all, over ninety percent water.”

7 October 2015

Airbus Group Robs Nude Bondage Airlines

The unimaginative bureaucrats at Airbus Group, the aerospace company, have shamelessly stolen one of my ideas. (I originally wrote, “one of my brilliant ideas,” before I realized that was repetitiously redundant.) Worse yet, the mendacious robbers got it all wrong, so their incompetent, third-rate imitation is exactly that.

Fourteen years ago I came up with the nonpareil model for the safest civilian air transport, Nude Bondage Airlines. The name says it all: passengers would fly nude, tied up, and stacked like cordwood. I never got around to patenting my idea, and now it may be too late. Taking legal action is out of the question given the economic realities. Airbus netted well over two billion dollars last year; my income was significantly lower.

Airbus filed drawings with the United States Parent and Trademark Office showing a novel way of putting two levels of seating in a one-level cabin. The innovative approach will allow one passenger to spend hours with his or her face half a meter from a fellow traveler’s derrière, a level of unpleasantness worse than any of us at Nude Bondage Airlines ever considered.

Who said flying couldn’t possibly get any worse? Bravo, Airbus!

8 October 2015

Tardy Pouring Man 2014

There’s nothing I do better than worry. When I have nothing about which to worry, which is most of the time, I simply worry that I worry too much.

Second place? That has to be procrastination. As I continue to work on my film about Pouring Man 2015, it occurred to me that I never got around to distributing my film about last year’s event. And so, better late than never, here’s my short film, Pouring Man 2014, for those who didn’t see it at the cinema.

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©2015 David Glenn Rinehart