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Weak IX

26 February 2018

No. 7,743 (cartoon)

I don’t know what to make of my partner.

Stew, or perhaps compost?

27 February 2018

I Support the President

I generally don’t write about politics. The dangerous buffoons on the political stage are obvious targets for derision and ridicule, but I prefer more of a challenge. And speaking of easy targets, Donald Trump has just made the first proposal with which I agree.

After rubbishing law enforcement officials for not halting the mass murder of seventeen people in a Florida school, he boasted that he wouldn’t have been afraid to confront the psychopath killing people with a military assault rifle.

“I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon,” bragged the draft dodger.

I wish he would have; it would have been a heroic example anyone could admire. Given his substantial girth, he would have made a great human shield. I’m sure three or four teenagers could have taken cover behind him easily.

I wonder if anyone will argue that Nikolas Cruz, the gunman who isn’t old enough to buy a beer but could legally buy an automatic weapon, should be freed because he deserves another chance?

28 February 2018

God is Empty Like Seats

Frank Zappa defined “rock journalism” thusly: “People who can’t write, doing interviews with people who can’t think, in order to prepare articles for people who can’t read.”

I doubt Zappa ever met Alex McLevy, but I’m sure he’d recognize him from the lead sentence he wrote for a recent article.

“Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness, and cleanliness is godliness, and God is empty, just like thousands of seats for the upcoming Smashing Pumpkins reunion tour.”

That pretty much says it all, so I don’t have to bother to add anything more.

1 March 2018

An Excellent Facsimile of a Good Partner

Suzette and Juanita invited me to their twenty-fifth-anniversary dinner next month. I accepted even before I heard about all the salmon and asparagus on the menu.

Suzette said that she wouldn’t tell me the secret of such a long partnership because there isn’t one; it’s obvious. She told me that she strives to be an excellent facsimile of a good partner; that’s all it takes.

“Wasn’t also being in a romantic relationship with Samantha for the last twenty years part of the equation?” I asked.

“Same thing,” she explained. “I tried to be an excellent facsimile of a good partner with her as well!”

I don’t plan on experimenting with her formula; I know one size does not fit all. I do know with certainty, however, that anything that results in a salmon and asparagus feast certainly has some merit.

2 March 2018

Melting Pasta Bouquet

I like examining common experiences from an aesthetic perspective. For example, I’m sure all of us have, at one time or another, picked up a friend at the airport who just flew in from Edinburgh after midnight. By the time you open up the gift she brought you at two in the morning and discover it’s a proper Scottish half-liter whisky glass, there’s a good chance you’re out of Bunnahabhain and all the local stores are closed. It happens all the time.

I had the predictable reaction when that recently happened to me. I cooked twelve pieces of fettuccini, laid them out on wax paper, and put them in the freezer. I then put water in the whisky glass, which of course one should never do, then put that in the freezer as well after arranging the rigid pasta in it in an aesthetically pleasing random grouping.

Later, as the sun was coming up, I photographed Melting Pasta Bouquet over the next several hours. As the images suggest, it made for a meditative and reflective morning.

3 March 2018

Please No Dog!

I know this sounds quite improbable, but ... a lot of good stories start out that way, no?

I know this sounds quite improbable, but Clement Dung Market is my favorite local grocery store despite the rather off-putting name. It’s only five blocks away from the Internet Archive, competitively priced, clean, and there’s no dung on the premises. I know this is true both because of the trustworthy proprietors’ assurances as well as the stern admonition posted on the front door: Please No Dog!

That’s my kind of grocery emporium!

4 March 2018

Obsequiously Groveling Praise Update

Xi Jinping, General Secretary of the Communist Party of China, President of the People's Republic of China, and Chairman of the Central Military Commission, may soon add the de facto title of Ruler for Life if he gets his way. As part of his power grab, his flunkies have introduced a new level of censorship by banning a number of Chinese characters including “disagree,” “emigrate,” “immortality,” “lifelong,” “personality cult,” and “shameless.”

Moving on to English, George Orwell’s 1984 and Animal Farm are also verboten, as is the fourteenth letter in the English alphabet. (Censorship to the nth degree?)

Since I don’t want to offend my future beneficent overlords, I shall reprint a corrected version of the obsequiously groveling praise I posted on 17 April 2014.

Oops, here’s the proper versio_.

Si_ce I do_’t wa_t to offe_d my future be_efice_t overlords, I shall repri_t a corrected versio_ of the obsequiously groveli_g praise I posted o_ 17 April 2014.

Mark reported from Chi_a that the wise Commu_ist Party leaders have blocked I_ter_et access to this site. I_ my humble ig_ora_ce, I do _ot u_dersta_d how their great mi_ds have arrived at this judicious decisio_, si_ce I have e_thusiastically sa_g their praises over the years.

Their extraordi_ary leadership abilities, matchless courage, devotio_ to the socialist cause (despite the persiste_t threat of the U.S.-led imperialist allied forces), a_d tireless struggle to better the lives of the people remai_ u_surpassed. Their great deeds will be always cherished i_ the memories of the grateful Chi_ese proletariat.

A_d so, sagacious rulers, I hope you will see fit to allow the Chi_ese people to view this codswallop.

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©2018 David Glenn Rinehart