Last Weak  |  Index  |  Next Weak

Weak XXXII

7 August 2018

No. 6,514 (cartoon)

Look at things from my perspective.

I’m not a parasite.

8 August 2018

Fetus Detritus

Although empirical evidence suggests otherwise, cleaners do in fact remove most of the detritus from commercial passenger aircraft between flights. (Or at least they’re supposed to do so, but given the amount of dried vomit and food waste woven into the plane’s carpeting I am most skeptical.)

These menial workers—the kind of hardworking folks who comprise the vast majority of wage slaves—are rarely in the news. By design. There are, of course, always exceptions, and of the grounded aerial custodians at LaGuardia Airport finally got her fifteen minutes of fame when she fished a dead baby out of a toilet of an American Airlines jet. (Or maybe it wasn’t even a baby; is a fetus a baby?)

Details are scarce. All the New York City’s Chief Medical Examiner would say is that it was “deceased on an airplane.” I know very little about medicine, but I think it’s safe to say that anytime you see a fetus outside the womb it’s probably deader than a dead baby.

No one knows how it got there, but I have a theory, and a darn good one at that. I imagine an expectant mother was en route to New York when she looked around the crowded, filthy airline cabin and realized she was going to expose the thing growing in her belly to a life of misery in an increasing horrific world. She came to her senses and aborted the critter before things got even worse.

It’s amazing how many problems can simply be flushed away!

9 August 2018

Military Fetish Lingerie

My father didn’t talk much about his twelve years in the U.S. Navy. I got the impression that it mostly involved a lot of work and even more drinking. It’s like Oscar Wilde said, “Work is the curse of the drinking classes.”

I know with certainty that he never mentioned cross-dressing. Thus I was surprised to discover an Ellsberg’s Military Haberdashery catalog featuring “Captain’s Garters.” The copywriter claims, “this sexy armed forces lingerie will keep your shirt tucked in and your socks at full mast,” but this ridiculous lingerie is clearly intended for facilitating erotic adventures for bored men (and women?) who haven’t had to defend the United States from invasion in at least a couple of centuries.

The American government is planning on spending almost a trillion dollars a year to defend the country from apparently nonexistent invaders; I wonder what percentage of that will be used on carnal entertainment for perpetually idle warriors?

10 August 2018

Dog Oil Revisited

Chuck Shepherd is a great editor. At News of the Weird, he had a category called something like “News That’s No Longer Weird.” For example, he stopped reporting stories about idiots who hand a bank teller a stickup note written on a personal deposit slip with the crook’s name, address, and phone number printed on it.

I am going to follow Shepherd’s fine example. This is the last time I plan on warning about the very real dangers of dog oil. Twas less than two weeks ago I noted that Greg Manteufel lost his hands and feet after some worthless dog licked him. And now, Sharon Larson is dead dead after a murderous puppy licked her.

I’ve given up warning people about the perils of dog oil. From now on, I’m letting the severed limbs and dead bodies speak for themselves.

11 August 2018

Art Gallery Hookers

I’m used to getting strange requests from my wonderful friends and fascinating inquiries from my weird friends, but I was nevertheless taken aback when Jorge asked me if I knew where to find art gallery hookers.

He seemed confused when I told him I had nothing to do with “art” galleries or prostitutes. He said he was also talking about museum hookers. I was frustrated with his refusal to believe my answer until I realized he wasn’t referring to the oldest profession; he just wanted a specialized hook to hang framed prints on his wall.

I’ll never be in Jorge’s predicament: one of the many things I love about disseminating my alleged artwork over the Internet is that I don’t need to acquire any more molecules of anything than I already have.

12 August 2018

Seymor’s Weight Loss Scheme

Seymor insisted that we look at the clutter someone was selling in a neighborhood garage sale. After a bit of uninspired haggling, he bought a bathroom scale for a couple of dollars.

“Why are you buying more junk when you’ve been able to weigh yourself at home for years? I asked.

“I’m going to compare the two scales and keep the one that shows I weigh less,” he explained.

“That’s a great idea!” I lied. “I’m sure it will be every bit as effective as everything else you’ve tried to effortlessly lose weight without exercising or changing your diet.”

My snide remark was wasted; he thanked me for my enthusiastic support.

Last Weak  |  Index  |  Next Weak
©2018 David Glenn Rinehart