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Weak XXXIV

20 August 2018

No. 2,198 (cartoon)

You look spectacular!

I’m in my Fibonacci prime!

21 August 2018

Lazy Wins!

Today I tip my conceptual hat to Bruce Lieberman and Luke Strotz at Kansas University’s Biodiversity Institute. After recently completing years of rigorous research, they concluded that, from an evolutionary perspective, laziness pays, at least when it comes to longevity.

Lieberman described their findings in terms that even I could understand: survival of the sluggish.

“Instead of ‘survival of the fittest’,” he elaborated, “maybe a better metaphor for the history of life is ‘survival of the laziest’ or at least ‘survival of the sluggish.’ ”

Although I generally avoid this phrase, I won’t resist on this occasion: I told you so!

Their paper, published in Proceedings of the Royal Society B, described Atlantic bivalves and gastropods, but I nevertheless think the results are relevant to me. Said critters reflect my level of drive and ambition to an almost uncomfortable degree.

22 August 2018

Federal Express Express

I don’t follow marketing very closely, so I only just learned that Federal Express Corporation became FedEx in 1994. I concluded that I don’t think anyone really thought through the ramifications of the change after I spotted one of the company’s delivery trucks this afternoon.

“FedEx” was emblazoned on van’s side, with “Express” painted underneath. That seemed rather redundant to me, or perhaps it’s not. The company may also have a fleet of FedEx leisurely vehicles as well for all I know. At the risk of being as repetitiously redundant as Federal Express Express, I don’t follow marketing very closely.

23 August 2018

Blinking Mouse

Mouse asked me to make an antiportrait of her colloquially known as a headshot. I normally avoid looking at let alone creating such tedious images, but I agreed since I’ll do anything for nice people I like. (Well, almost anything.)

After thinking about it for a while, I was glad that she didn’t ask me to make an interesting photograph of her. She’s almost frighteningly clever, and I don’t think I would have delivered one she liked.

We went outside and I asked her to stand in front of a nondescript background in nondescript light in order to make a nondescript product. (I’m reticent to call it anything else.)

It only took me a few hundredths of a second to do what needed to be done, so I shoveled the results into my computer to complete my assignment and return to blissful indolence. I thought I was done, but then I received one of photography’s greatest gifts: a happy accident.

I have a fast finger, but even I would never be able to release the shutter quickly enough to capture a blink. But there it was: I serendipitously made a rather likable photograph of Mouse blinking.

24 August 2018

No Squeaks!

Michael Jackson is like a herpes sore; he keeps showing up when least expected. This time it’s in court, where Sony Music Entertainment Group lawyers responded to pending lawsuits by insisting that Jackson really did sing on “his” albums released after his death.

That’s simply preposterous; dead men can’t sing. As for Jackson hisself, here’s a relevant anecdote.

An anonymous source walked in on a recording session where Quincy Jones was producing an album with Jackson.

“He got into the control room to find that everyone’s attention was fixed on the glass window. On the other side, Quincy Jones was kicking a pile of rags on the floor while shouting, ‘Silent, you motherfucker! I said no squeaks!’ ”

“It turned out the pile of rags was a gibbering Michael Jackson. They were recording a new song called Billie Jean, and Michael had decided to fill every gap with his trademark whoops, clicks and squeaks ...”

That cured Jackson!

I think the conclusions are obvious. That wasn’t a relevant anecdote, merely a good one. And dead people will never sing.

25 August 2018

Pizza Ethics

Ruth is a lovely person and a dear friend who frequently talks bollocks. Here’s a recent example ...

“How can you eat pizza, David?”

“I take a bite, chew, swallow, and repeat as desired, the same as a billion other people.”

“And you don’t care about the obvious problem?”

“Of course I do, Ruth; that’s why I’ve almost never burned my mouth.”

“You know I’m talking about the fact that pizzas are sentient beings.”

How could I reply to such an inane proposition? I told her the first three things that came to mind: her “fact” wasn’t, and pizzas are neither sentient nor beings.

“How can you say that when you’re watching a slice of pizza writhe in pain?” Ruth asked.

“It’s frozen and melting,” I replied.

“Them how do you explain the tears it’s crying?” she demanded.

“The scientific explanation is grease,” I explained.

We dropped the ludicrous discussion, and she sheepishly ate half the pizza even though no ruminant animals were among the toppings.

26 August 2018

Coming Back to That

Stewart’s memory isn’t what it used to be. Actually, it’s worse than that; it never was what it used to be. The problem appeared to insoluble, but he came up with a clever workaround.

Whenever we’re talking and he forgets how to respond, he simply says, “Let’s come back to that.” And of course, we never do since I can’t remember either.

Brilliant! Or at least functional; it’s a fine line.

27 August 2018

Aquaria in the News

I love dead salmon and live tropical fish, thus I was quite pleased to see an aquarium mentioned in today’s headlines: “Headless corpse found in fish tank in home of missing San Francisco man.”

It’s a common mistake: getting an aquarium that’s too small. I learned that when I had to find a new home for clown loaches that outgrew my hundred-liter aquarium. At least I was smart enough—for once!—and compassionate enough not to behead them. The person(s) who beheaded a man instead of buying a bigger tank clearly made another common mistake: choosing an inappropriate short-term solution for a long-term problem.

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©2018 David Glenn Rinehart