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Weak XLIII

22 October 2018

No. 5,741 (cartoon)

I want you in the worst way.

Be careful what you wish for.

23 October 2018

Simple Enough for a Strawberry

Amelie asked me how to process photographs in a computer, so I showed her how to adjust shades of grey, contrast, and sharpen the final image. I told her everything she needed to know in five minutes or so.

She thanked me for the tutorial, and gave me one of the nicest compliments I’ve ever had: “You made it so simple that even a strawberry could understand it!”

She suggested I should offer digital imaging workshops, but that’s an impossible business proposition. The premise of such classes is to drip feed information over many profitable sessions. I could never make money providing all the knowledge someone needs in a few minutes.

I’m not sure if that’s actually true; I hear people with much more money than time are a great market. I’m going to stick with my notion that my skills are unmarketable; that allows me to remain comfortably self-unemployed.

24 October 2018

Coffee Just Works

United States Air Force pilots like hot coffee; only some freedom-hating peasant wouldn’t. That’s why military cargo plane pilots sip their java out of thirteen-hundred dollar cups that keep their joe hot. Communist sympathizers whine about the expense, but freedom isn’t cheap. And anyway, the cups are a bargain compared to the ten-thousand dollar airplane toilet covers that stop corrosion from flyboys who can’t shoot straight.

Look at it this way: except for a couple of pathetically ineffective Japanese incendiary balloons in the forties, no enemy has ever invaded the United States by air since 1776. The conclusion is obvious, but I’ll say it anyway: coffee just works; it’s a bargain at any price.

25 October 2018

Telling Everyone!

I always thought that Lina and Noah were happily married, and maybe they are: a happy marriage comes in many flavors.

Lina told me that she confessed to a Catholic priest that she had group sex with her yoga teacher and his wife. This in Sans Frisco, so that wasn’t at all shocking. I was, however, surprised that Lina went to a priest since she’s Jewish.

I asked her why she told a priest about her escapade, and she had a simple answer: “I’m telling everyone!”

26 October 2018

Please No Children

Alina is righteously annoyed with Jacob since he brought his two wretched little urchins to the party tonight. I’ll let them do the talking.

“I clearly said ‘please no children’ on the invitation,” she scolded, “so why are your vermin here?”

“I can read!” Jacob protested. “Just look at the miserable little sods; I can guarantee you they’re not at all pleased.”

Once again, I’m so very grateful that I’m barren. Birth control really is your best entertainment value.

27 October 2018

Bread and Puppets

The Bread and Puppets kids put on a show in the theatre across the hall from my studio, so I sauntered over to catch the act.

They were great! The visuals were stunning. On the other hand, the message was muddled, something controversial like, “gun violence is bad.”

I haven’t seen Peter Schumann, the troupe’s founder, since he was here three years ago. Had he been here, I would have asked him if he agreed with Samuel Goldwyn’s admonition, “Pictures are for entertainment; messages should be delivered by Western Union.”

Nah, I’m too shy and polite to ever say that. And anyway, it doesn’t matter; the Bread and Puppets actors are nothing if not entertaining.

28 October 2018

Hooks, Spines, and Sinkers

A thirty-six-year-old woman got married and went to Belize for her honeymoon. As is tradition, she came back a baby growing inside her. As is also tradition, she had the unwanted parasite killed, but this was no normal abortion.

The doctors had a difficult time pulling the hideous creature from inside her groin; it was covered in hooks and row after row of spines. Even though no one would describe the abomination as a human sapien, it was, in biologically precise terms, a human botfly.

A maggot.

The moral of this cautionary tale is clear: if you’re on your honeymoon, don’t let a botfly slip anything inside your groin. That just ain’t natural, although I suppose that might just be what Belizeers do.

And as is tradition, hooks, spines, and sinkers.

29 October 2018

One Too Many Chainsaws

People often ask me, “What’s the most important book I should read?” And when someone does, my reply is always the same: The Book of Unwritten Rules.

In reality—also known as terra incognito—no one’s ever asked me that question and I’ve never told anyone about The Book of Unwritten Rules. Until now. The little grey lie was just an easy way to bring up Patrick Bingham’s latest lunacy.

Bingham’s in the hoosegow after pulling out a couple of chainsaws on a crowded subway and telling a woman, “I’m going to cut your fuckin’ head off!”

Sans Friscans live in our happy bubble because we abide by The Book of Unwritten Rules. Bingham is behind bars because he broke one of the unwritten rules: running around a commuter train wielding a chainsaw is fine; that’s just freedom of expression. But two chainsaws?! Well, that’s just beyond the hippie pale.

So do wear any number of flowers in your hair when you come to Sans Frisco, but remember this important unwritten rule: using more than one chainsaw in public is just plain gauche.

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©2018 David Glenn Rinehart