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Weak V

30 January 2020

No. 3,433 (cartoon)

I’m a pseudo-nomad.

You never leave your apartment.

That’s the pseudo part.

31 January 2020

Filmmaking Technical Considerations

I’m about to make my first film in years. I don’t always need a camera to make a film, but for this one I will. But what camera?

I only have one motion picture camera with me while traveling; it’s a five-year-old still camera that also records video. Once upon a time, it captured high-resolution moving pictures, but that’s no longer the case. The camera hasn’t changed since it left the factory, but the definition of high definition has.

I’m tempted to spend three or four thousand dollars on a new camera that has something called four-K video, whatever that means. I poked around the Interhole for a while, and couldn’t find a single reference to what any of the four Ks mean. Kelvin, the color temperature scale? The Roman numeral for a thousand? Kaleidoscope? Kinky? Beats me.

The main appeal of buying a new camera was buying a new camera. I ended up justifying using the old camera for a couple of other reasons. It was good enough for making mostly conceptual—as opposed to retinal—films years ago; that hasn’t changed. In one of life’s little ironies, I ended up justifying not getting a new camera in order to get a newer camera. I hear tell there are cameras with eight Ks headed to market soon, and twice as many Ks has to be twice as good, no?

If I really wanted to make better films, I’d figure out how to adjust the brightness and contrast so my output doesn’t look so grey and muddy. Maybe mañana ...

1 February 2020

Fur-lined Toilet Bowl

Sometimes I wonder if Joey’s parents should have named him Cockamamie. His latest cockamamie proposal is to create and sell fur-lined toilets. I thought he was just plagiarizing Meret Oppenheim’s fur-lined tea set from 1936, Object, but he was disturbingly serious.

He anticipated my first objection when I delicately brought up the matter of hygiene. He claimed, “fur pretty much cleans itself.” He said this was based on “a very scientific walk” around the zoo, where he saw no trace of feces on any of the furry critters.

So there! Can’t argue with science ...

He went on to assert “without a doubt” the aural advantages of a furry toilet bowl because his research showed that porcelain amplifies sounds and fur deadens them.

I gracefully ended the inane conversation by telling him I looked forward to seeing the prototype. That day will never come. Joey fancies himself too much of a visionary to do anything more than think, so no one will ever see Joey’s fur-lined toilet bowl.

I’ll never tell Joey this, but sloth and procrastination cannot be underrated, especially when it comes to making fur-lined toilets.

2 February 2020

Yawn (02022020)

I’ve never seen a cat climb a ladder, but that doesn’t matter at the moment since I’m thinking about palindromes, the literary equivalent of such a feat. Athletic kittens and palindromes—their literary parallel—are amusing, but only for seventeen seconds or so.

Palindromes were much more interesting before the advent of computers when people had to actually think about them. Peter Norvig asked his computer to create a long one; the machine responded with a palindrome that was seventeen thousand two hundred and fifty-nine words long. That was the longest one on record fifteen years ago; I haven’t bothered to look for an update.

No matter what numerical calendar convention one uses, today’s date is a palindrome, either 02022020 or 20200202. I noted that well over seventeen seconds ago, so it’s time to move on to the next novelty.

3 February 2020

Brunch Financial Data

Katia served up an interesting fact along with the brunch she prepared this morning: she paid the same for a slice of bread as she did for a couple of eggs. She added that she bought “standard” bread, nothing exotic and/or overpriced.

We pondered how a decent loaf of bread could be so expensive. Monopolies? Marketing? Maybe organized criminals controlled the distribution network. Or perhaps it could be something as simple as people willing to pay more for bread that’s not mostly air and water.

And as or the cheap eggs? We guessed it had to do with factory “farming” on an unimaginable scale, with horrific chemicals and unspeakably barbaric cruelty. Having agreed not to speak about the unspeakable, we went on to enjoy our partially cooked chicken fetuses.

I asked how much champagne cost after Katia poured me another glass. She replied that it’s always been the same: priceless.

When it comes to brunch economics, I have nothing more to say; that’s always a good time to stop writing.

4 February 2020

More Boring Art

I created my most recent motion picture, More Boring Art, after recalling John Baldessari’s 1971 piece, I Will Not Make Any More Boring Art. He’ll never see my new film, since his recent obituaries reminded me of his work.

This is twice as long as my usual cinematic works, it’s an entire minute from beginning to end. I can’t imagine why anyone who thinks clearly needs to make a film longer than that unless they don’t really have anything to say.

In conclusion, there’s no reason for anyone to even see More Boring Art since the title is the beginning, middle, and ending as well as the entire plot.

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©2020 David Glenn Rinehart