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Weak XLVI

12 November 2021

No. 5,275 (cartoon)

Who’s there?

Me?

Why me?

13 November 2021

Make It Three!

Florian invited Rosalind and me over for a studio visit; I was happy to accept his invitation. Come for the bar, stay for the artwork. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Can’t remember. Doesn’t matter.

“May I get you a cocktail?” Florian asked Rosalind.

“Yes please!” she replied.

“Make it two!” I added.

He looked at me like I just told him to pour the drinks on a plate instead of into a glass.

“Of course I’m getting one for myself!” he yelled from across the room.

Nice line; I’ll have to repeat it ... and I just did!

14 November 2021

In My Next Life, Maybe

Oliver told me he’s not concerned about his sloth and indolence. He explained that, as a Buddhist, he’s working toward his next life.

After talking with Oliver, I’m considering looking into Buddhism if only to learn more about the ultimate in procrastination. I’ll almost certainly explore Buddhism, but most likely not until my next life.

15 November 2021

Bad Mayonnaise Reflection

Adriana is still upset about the unfortunate little incident with the German heiress at her party. How could I have possibly known that she had a serious thing about mayonnaise?

I sent her a nice little note saying that I was sorry and that my behavior definitely wasn’t a reflection of who I wanted her to think I am. I sure hope that works, otherwise I’ll have to concoct a real apology.

16 November 2021

Nothing to Steal

Smash and grab robberies were popular in New York thirty years ago. They probably still are; breaking car windows and stealing things never goes out of style. Drivers put “No Valuables Inside” signs on their windows, but that wasn’t a very successful deterrent. The owner of one vehicle returned to find shattered glass and a note that said, “Sorry, just checking.”

(That’s a nice little anecdote but I doubt it ever happened; New Yorkers aren’t that polite.)

People here in Sans Frisco think they’re hep cats, but they’re really just country pumpkins. Burglaries are all the rage here these days, figuratively and literally. Today I spotted a “Nothing to Steal in this Car” notice taped inside a car, the first time I’ve seen one here. Hipsters here are so fashionable that it’s like being in New York in the last millennium.

I think the antitheft warnings will backfire. Knowing the zealous city government dogooders here as I do, I bet there’ll soon be a new parking violation for not having such a notice posted in Cantonese, English, French, German, Italian, Japanese, Korean, Mandarin, Russian, Spanish, Tagalog, and Vietnamese.

17 November 2021

Davemaoite Ain’t Davidium

Scientists have discovered a new mineral, davemaoite. I assumed it was named after me even though I haven’t been called “Dave” since I was a teenager. Big mistake. Upon further inquiry, I see its name is a reference to Ho-kwang “Dave” Mao, a much more experienced experimental geophysicist than I’ll ever be.

I still have time to discover and trademark davidium, though, so I’d better hustle back to my laboratory and start looking around. There’s a lot of weird stuff under the refrigerator to start with; that should keep me busy at least until it’s time for cocktails.

18 November 2021

Shut Up and Write Dada!

Years ago I accepted an invitation to Shut Up and Write, a get together for writers. I thought it would be a nice way to meet people, but I thought wrong.

We met in a large coffee shop alcove, where the facilitator announced we would write for an hour and a half, with a five-minute bathroom break halfway through. No introductions, no Internet, just me and my computer sitting among complete strangers. I wanted to make a graceful exit, so I sat there watching the clock like I was in fifth grade waiting to escape my desk at recess. I fled as soon as I could and never looked back.

This morning I got a notice saying I could now attend another Shut Up and Write session on the Internet since it’s no longer safe to meet in person. What I great Dada piece! Instead of just sitting alone at my computer writing, this would allow me to sit alone at my computer writing while silently watching other people do the same. That would be too distracting, so I’d hide their muted faces and write as if I was alone.

Shut Up and Write Dada!

19 November 2021

Sans Frisco Clichés

Luciana came over to the posh place where I’m staying while taking care of some friends’ cats for a couple of weeks. It’s almost a Sans Frisco cliché, with a panoramic bay view out the back of my top story flat and a cable car trundling and grinding along in front.

“I feel like marrying a rich guy when I’m in a place like this,” she remarked.

“I thought you never wanted to get married,” I replied.

“I don’t,” she confirmed, “but I sure would like the divorce settlement.”

Love works in strange ways, but money is quite predictable.

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©2021 David Glenn Rinehart