Last Weak  |  Index  |  Next Weak

Weak LI

17 December 2021

No. 9,928 (cartoon)

That’s stupid if you ask me.

No one asked you.

Then I guess it’s smart.

18 December 2021

Santa Must Die!

Oliver Cromwell was an English regicidal dictator who was so loathed that he was posthumously executed. (Posthumous execution?! Look it up; you’ll be rewarded for the modest effort.)

Cromwell’s not entirely unlikeable for reasons that have nothing to do with regicide. (I’m trying to keep an open mind about that.)

Under his regime, Christmas celebrations were banned in England for seventeen glorious years in the mid-seventeenth century! Saints be praised!

I probably won’t live long enough to see Christmas banned again, but the pandemic is the next best thing. Everyone’s busy inside with their electronic gizmos buying things no one wants to send to people who don’t need anything more than they had ten years ago, so I’ve barely noticed Xmas is only a week away.

If you want to know where Coronarama really came from, ask my mentor the Grinch about his time in Wuhan.

Santa must die, by any means necessary.

19 December 2021

Setting Sights Low

Rosanna Greenstreet’s interview with Shane MacGowan was one of the best or worst I’ve come across, depending on your perspective. She may be as slothful as I am. The one-paragraph introduction could have been lifted from his canned obituary. The “interview” was only fifty-one sentences long: twenty-five questions and twenty-five answers, one of which was two sentences long. Here’s an example.

What has been your biggest disappointment?

I never set my sights that high, so I’m not disappointed with anything.

The puffy fluff piece provides no depth or substance, but then who wants that? Attention deficit disorder ain’t no disorder at all, it’s the natural human condition. A few people will be dissatisfied with the shallowness, but everyone else will be grateful for an article they can finish before they get off the toilet.

20 December 2021

My Obituary

David Glenn Rinehart 1956-20xx

Who needs a report card after you die?

Yep, that’s it! That’s all eight words of my obituary. As is tradition, I didn’t write my obituary. Andy Corren did.

Sort of.

We’ve never met, but I appropriated that line of his when I was reading the obit he wrote for his mother, “A plus-sized Jewish lady redneck [who] died in El Paso on Saturday.” It featured great lines like, “bawdy, fertile, redheaded matriarch” and a reference to Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina, “where Renay’s dreams, credit rating, and marriage are all buried.”

Corren is clearly a gifted writer when it comes to necrologies. I’m chuffed that he wrote mine without even knowing it; that’s how good he is!

21 December 2021

My Father’s Deathday

Today is the winter solstice; it’s also the thirtieth anniversary of my father’s death.

Dying on the darkest day of the year is perfect. For a while, I was thinking that I’d like to permanently check out then too even though the odds are over three hundred and sixty to five. “For a while” was about seven seconds; that’s how long it took me to conclude the date won’t matter to me since I’ll be dead, and if the date of demise doesn’t please my friends that will not be my problem.

Dead people have no concerns. Sounds nice, but I hope that I don’t pop my clogs until I have something about which to worry.

22 December 2021

The Confucius Card

Miranda reminded me that I told her I’d probably finish my intro to her book by last Friday and asked me where it was. I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t done with the first paragraph, so resorted to philosophy.

“Kong Qiu said, ‘It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop,’ and I quite agree,” I explained.

“Who’s the idiot who said that,” she asked.

“An hombre you’ve probably heard about,” I replied. “He’s more commonly known as Confucius.”

“Stop fucking around and get to work,” she concluded before changing the subject.

Playing the Confucius card always works; thanks Kong for the procrastination inspiration!

23 December 2021

Country Life

Lorenzo has a new girlfriend, and he’s boasting about her.

“Portia is one of the most highly regarded artists in the country,” he raved.

“I’ve never heard of her,” I admitted.

“Of course you haven’t,” he agreed. “You’re a city boy, so you have no idea about what goes on in the country.”

Of course.

Last Weak  |  Index  |  Next Weak
©2021 David Glenn Rinehart