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Weak XXXIII

13 August 2022

No. 5,981 (cartoon)

We’re missing a square!

It’s called a panel, and two are plenty today.

14 August 2022

Problem (Partially) Solved

Anastasia told a screaming little brat to leave her alone. That did not sit well with said brat’s mother; she demanded that Anastasia stopped disciplining her daughter. Anastasia shot back that someone had to give the wretched kid some guidance, and that with some discipline the unruly bairn might not grow up to be fat and stupid.

She didn’t add “like her mother” since that would have been redundant. That barbed remark concluded the brief, abrasive exchange, so the fat, stupid mother lumbered off with her nasty little daughter.

Problem solved! At least for Anastasia ...

15 August 2022

Notes on the Back of an Envelope

I was cleaning up what passes for my desk these days and came across an envelope with grids of numbers written on it. I photographed it; those were the notes I used a few days ago when I was sequencing the images in Twenty-Four Signs of No Alcohol, Alameda, California.

I’m pleasantly amused that there’s still a place for pen and paper in 2022. I photographed my scribblings as a reminder of such a quaint day in the unlikely event it never happens again.

16 August 2022

Tom Lehrer’s Brilliant Invention

I was delighted to learn that Tom Lehrer (look him up) invented the jello shot. He was in the military, and brought jello made with vodka to a party where alcoholic beverages were prohibited, thus getting around the ban since his brilliant creation was a solid, not a liquid.

I have a friend who shall remain anonymous (I promised Willy that I wouldn’t mention his name) who’s one of those people who gives scholars a bad reputation. He pooh-poohed my story by pointing out people have been doing variations of that since at least the 1300s.

I’m going to disregard his annoying truths and stick with my preferred story that Tom Lehrer invented the jello shot. I couldn’t publish it on the Internet if it wasn’t true, so there.

17 August 2022

Scientists Conclude

Here’s my headline of the month so far: “Angry minion” with no anus not related to humans after all, scientists conclude.

It would have been pointless to read the article; “scientists conclude” is all I need to know.

18 August 2022

Sake Viva!

Japan’s National Tax Agency has launched Sake Viva!, a contest encouraging Japanese young people to get patriotically drunk. The more people drink the greater the tax revenues, so challenging the citizenry to get legless is essentially a fundraiser for the government.

The winners of the “revitalizing the liquor industry and solving problems” competition will be announced on 10 November, the first day of Japan’s “raising alcohol abuse awareness” week.

Inscrutable indeed.

19 August 2022

Dodgy Body Parts

How stupid can you get? That wasn’t a rhetorical question; I keep getting new answers every day. Today, it’s Jeremy Pauley’s turn.

He was arrested after buying human body parts online. What an idiot! Everyone knows that’s the kind of thing you only purchase straight from the factory. Anytime you see an ad for, “perfect liver from a seventeen-year-old Mormon virgin,” there’s a good chance it was stolen from an old alcoholic’s cadaver by an unscrupulous mortician.

The cops raided Pauley’s home and found a heart, kidney, spleen, livers, lungs, and skin. Anything he makes with out-of-warranty parts is guaranteed to have problems down the road; what a fool!

At last report Pauley is free on bail. That seems like a safe bet; he’ll be easy to spot unless he buys a new head that’s not half-covered in ink.

Coming next weak: more of the same.

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©2022 David Glenn Rinehart