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Weak XXI

21 May 2023

No. 6,026 (cartoon)

You lost the game.

I never played the game.

Then you won the game.

22 May 2023

Useless Generic Advice

I don’t know why it took so many decades to realize this, but most useless advice is a variation on, “If I were you, I’d be a lot more like me.”

23 May 2023

Women and Archival Inks

Bernie didn’t hesitate to jump in when the topic turned to archival inks.

“I’ll start by saying that I don’t really know what I’m talking about,” Bernie began.

“That’s a helpful introduction,” I replied, “but I think you’d be better off making that your conclusion and skipping all the flapdoodle in the middle.”

“Don’t you ever get bored living in the land of facts?” he asked.

I had to admit he had a point, which of course I didn’t admit. I suggested we talk about women, something with enough facts and conjecture to satisfy both of us, not unlike the second bottle of wine he opened.

24 May 2023

Barf Bonk Saboteur

Barf bonk saboteur is an acronym for bourbon breakfast. That’s the kind of insight I like to experience in the morning; this should be an interesting day. There’s a lot of wisdom in bourbon, and now it’s inside of me.

25 May 2023

Regicider

Dahlia asked me if I’d like her to bring me something back from England, so I asked her to get me a can of Regicider, the new brand of hard cider featuring a great illustration by Piotr Siedlecki. I hear it’s been increasingly popular since King Tampon succeeded Lizzie the Deuce.

I don’t plan on drinking the swill, but it will be a perfect addition to my mantelpiece if I ever get one.

26 May 2023

Remembering Cautionary Tales

I found an expensive camera in a box outside my side door when I returned from my walk this afternoon. I was expecting the delivery, but was surprised that no one provided the required signature. In other words, the shipping company couldn’t prove the package reached me. For a second or two, I considered claiming the parcel never arrived, and a fraction of a second later remembered a lawyer I know closely from the previous millennium.

Whenever I mentioned one of my penny-ante diversions from acting completely legally, she told me what federal and state laws I might be breaking and how much time I might expect to serve behind bars if caught and convicted. I vaguely recalled something about fraudulent interstate transactions, wire fraud, plain old theft, and that sort of thing, and remembered that inept criminals have ended up in prison for less.

I decided a life of art was immensely more rewarding than a life of crime, so I opened a beer, opened the box, and got back to work.

I’d thank her by name except I’m not sure about the statute of limitations.

27 May 2023

The Song Remains the Same

Some two and a half millennia ago Heraclitus—one of those clever old Greek codgers—concluded that the universe is in constant flux. After taking a good around, I’d have to agree: nothing much has changed since then.

Coming next weak: more of the same.

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©2023 David Glenn Rinehart