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Weak XXXI

30 July 2023

No. 8,288 (cartoon)

You’re everything I despise.

Then why are you with me?

I can relax and stop searching.

31 July 2023

Frankly

“Frankly,” Gerrit began.

He then went on some rambling diatribe about something of no interest or importance for five or ten minutes before mercifully concluding, “What do you think?”

“I’m glad you spared me the long-windedly version,” I replied.

1 August 2023

Corpse Float

What’s wrong with this headline: Body found in plastic barrel floating in water at a Malibu beach. To answer my own rhetorical question—which, of course, is why it’s a rhetorical question—I’ll tell you what’s wrong: floating plastic barrel.

Floating plastic barrel?!

Kids these days! Jeez! Whatever happened to craft and artisanal murders?

Compare that crime scene to “Lake” Mead (it’s actually a reservoir) near Las Vegas, where bodies in proper metal barrels sank and stayed there. That’s a fine example of the “organized” in “organized crime.” Had it not been for the drought which shrank the reservoir to a very largish puddle, the canned cadavers would have remained undetected.

Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, some idiots used a floating plastic barrel as if to call attention to a murder. The perp(s) may have just as well attached a flashing neon sign, EVIDENCE INSIDE!

I swear, kids these days!

(Bonus stupidity: How do you make a corpse float? Put it in a very large glass with soda and ice cream.)

2 August 2023

Wisedumb

I awoke in the middle of the night with yet another brilliant idea after a coined the word “wisedumb,” a homophone for “wisdom.” I don’t know if I was dreaming or conscious at the time, but I do remember that it was too good to forget, but I typed it into my computer after a bathroom break just to be safe.

When I awoke, I discovered my creation was all dumb sans wise, but I wasn’t terribly disappointed. I’ll have many more opportunities for new discoveries since I’ll be sleeping every night until I wake up dead.

3 August 2023

The Gravity Scam

I’m a-gonna begin with the setup. Thanks to the physics of plate tectonic movements, gravity is stronger in the waters between Indonesia and Australia and weaker in Canada where the Laurentide Ice Sheet used to reside two and a half million years ago. At least that’s what I heard through the Intervine, and that’s plenty good enough for me.

My scam, er, business plan, is to come up with some sort of weight loss program that requires almost no exertion and lots of cash. I’ll take my loaded clients on a cruise from Australia to Indonesia, and weigh them at sea where the gravitational forces are strongest. We’ll then fly on a chartered flight to Edmonton and weigh the chunky chumps again where the gravity is weaker; that’s a guaranteed weight loss program right there! But just to be safe, I’ll garnish the airplane food with a strong dose of diuretics.

Or maybe I’ll just sell this idea to a lazy entrepreneur. Weight-loss rackets are an easy way to make lots of money, but get-rich-quick schemes are even more remunerative.

4 August 2023

Monte Cazazza

“I don’t need to talk, I don’t need to make quotes. You see, I’m already very widely unknown.”—Monte Cazazza

I’ll add that he was almost equally unknown in death; I just learned he left the known universe at the end of June.

I only met him once when a friend and I visited him at his studio in Rodeo, California. He was a nice feller and a gracious host, in marked contrast to his performance pieces that Vale Vale described as, “insanity outbreaks thinly disguised as art events.”

He attended the College of Arts and Crafts in Oakland (the “and Crafts” has since been removed from the name). On his first day there he poured a cascade of cement down the stairs rendering them useless. The administraitors expelled him the second day; that’s more than enough time in art school.

And then there was the time he was invited to an arts conference where he showered the dinner buffet with arsenic, dropped bricks with “Dada” painted on them on the other participants’ feet, and much worse. No one intervened, in part because he was accompanied by an armed bodyguard.

And so on and so forth.

And finally, I stole No. 9,135 (cartoon)—originally published on 28 August 2016 and again today—from him. Thanks, Monte!

5 August 2023

Brown Bag Theory and Practice

I’m back in Flint, Michigan, so it’s definitely time for a drink, probably more. When I bought a bottle of cheap whiskey at The Booze Galaxy, the cheerful cashier asked me if I’d like it in a bag. I opened my backpack and told her I wouldn’t need one, but she put the bottle inside a brown paper bag anyway.

She explained that state law mandated that it was sold that way, then added with a smile and a wink that the police never bother anyone drinking from a bag. I thanked her for her insight into the local culture, then punctuated my walk back with a sip here and a swig there. I enjoyed the stroll; the Flintites know how to make the best of their unfortunate situation.

6 August 2023

Backgammon versus Chess

I simply just gots to hand it to Joel Snape so I will. His essay, Forget chess, backgammon teaches the most valuable life lessons: blind luck and wild unfairness, was brilliant. Or, more accurately, I assume it was even though I didn’t even scan it. With a title like that, who needs to read the whole thing?

Coming next weak: more of the same.

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©2023 David Glenn Rinehart