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Weak XLVII

20 November 2023

No. 9,896 (cartoon)

I äm prëtëntïöüs.

Why six umlauts?

Mörë thän thät, I äm vëry prëtentïöüs.

21 November 2023

Can’t Put the Genie Back in the Toothpaste Tube

The 20 November 2023 issue of the New Yorker is all about artificial intelligence.

I only read the cartoons, so I asked Carlos, one of my litterate friends who reads the magazine cover to cover, to summarize the contents for me, and he did. Here’s what he told me: you can't put the genie back in the toothpaste tube.

The New Yorker editors should publish such a précis at the beginning of every issue, but I know they never will. If they did, that would be a tacit acknowledgment that the only reason anyone picks up the venerable periodical is to scan the cartoons.

22 November 2023

Newphoria

“Buy Wheeler Whisky, It Gets You Drunk”

I remember that ad from years ago; I appreciated the directness of the pitch, with none of the boilerplate hype about “aged in oak casks,” “crafted by good ol’ boys with leathery faces,” et cetera.

Apparently, someone at Apple’s advertising agency had a Wheeler Whisky flashback when s/he came up with the name for the latest marketing campaign, Newphoria. The copywriters dispensed with all the breathless puffery about faster chips, better cameras, et cetera, and just proclaimed, “Newphoria.”

That’s a brilliant way of saying, “Buy the New Phone, It’s Newer Than Your Old Phone.”

23 November 2023

No Cranberries

Herbert and Wilma hosted a large and lovely Thanksgiving dinner; I was glad to join them. I brought a large container of my high-octane taters; spuds with enough hot peppers to sear an amateur’s tongue. They also had a ham for Vivian, gluten-free rolls for Thia (she’s perverted that way), and even a kosher turkey for Devorah.

And then there was Luka, who complained about the absence of any cranberries. (And who didn’t bring any, either.) I thought that grievance was the perfect gift for a lovely celebration; kvetching about something trivial put everyone’s gratitude and gratefulness in perspective.

Dang; that sounds too warm and fuzzy so I’ll close by adding that Luka’s always been a big galoot.

24 November 2023

Cheap Red Wine Wins

I have the constitution of an ox and a lynx’s bill of rights, so I never get headaches from red wine. Many other imbibers aren’t that fortunate, and researchers are pointing the fickle finger of fault at quercetin. The compound is a biological spanner in the grapeworks that disrupts the body’s ability to process alcohol resulting in neuralgia, colloquially known as a splitting headache.

But wait!

Good news!

Cheap red wine contains much less quercetin than expensive vintages, so the secret to enjoying red wine—which isn’t a secret at all—is to quaff the cheap stuff. I’m amused that all the scientists are excited by the “new discovery.” I figured that out on my own decades ago after years of tireless and assiduous research.

25 November 2023

Mongolian Muffins

I had an English muffin for breakfast, or did I?

Depends.

“Depends” is an appropriate answer for almost any question, including the one I just asked. The label on the package said “English Muffin,” but that’s just marketing and branding that ignores the provenance.

Mongolians invented that unique muffin in the twelfth century; that’s what powered hordes of hirsute horsemen to conquer most of the known world (known to the Mongolians, that is).

Almost a millennium later a baker in Newcastle upon Tyne changed the name from “Mongolian muffin” to “English muffin” and was soon copied by bake shops around the world.

And so, I enjoyed a Mongolian muffin this morning, or did I?

Coming next weak: more of the same.

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©2023 David Glenn Rinehart