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15 May 2024

No. 9,254 (cartoon)

Imbecilic people are the bane of my existence.

Lucky you; I wish I had only one bane.

Oops; I forgot to mention the rest of humanity.

16 May 2024

Whack Daddy!

“Write what you know.”

Mark Twain provided some darn fine advice right there, he sure did. Why, it’s so good I even followed the suggestion; that’s why I write about almost nothing.

Kouri Richinsvalso also seems to have used that approach. The thirty-three-year-old author was writing a children’s book about grief when she apparently had a severe case of writer’s block. She evidently reasoned that she could get a lot of intimate material without leaving home.

Whack Daddy!

She killed her children’s father to death with a massive overdose of fentanyl after a previous attempt with a poisoned Valentine’s Day sandwich was unsuccessful. Is there an easier way to find grieving children?

Now that she’s about to go on trial for murder, she may soon have the opportunity to expand her literary horizons by writing about a long life in prison.

I’ve never believed in suffering for my art; I prefer to make other people suffer from my art. That’s why I shall continue to write about almost nothing; I know it very well.

17 May 2024

Kids on Drugs

When discussing raising children, it’s important to remember that we do not live in caves anymore. We can’t just give kids a rotting mastodon carcass to keep ’em entertained for the afternoon. No, these are modern times and we need modern drugs.

Now let us also remember that alcohol is a drug, one that’s no doubt prevented untold postnatal abortions. And again these are modern times, and now we have more options for drugging the wee bairns as well. Sally Dreckmann, Traci Innie, Kaitlin Filardo, and Jessica Foster knew that: they surreptitiously gave the adorable tykes at a New Hampshire daycare center melatonin to encourage good behavior.

I’m happily barren and have no experience as a parent, so I was surprised to learn that what appears to be a very sensible approach of using a sleep supplement on feisty toddlers is illegal. Ironically, the nanny state is arresting real nannies for using what appear to be best practices.

I’ll never figure out why anyone would breed, so I’m not going to try and figure out the legal nuances of the strange practice. Instead, I’ll stick with tradition and have a bedtime drink or two and leave the melatonin experiments to someone else.

Peasant dreams!

18 May 2024

Premature Obituaries

A friend who requested anonymity reported she just read her obituary. Yep, K**** M**** L****** (all three names were spelled exactly like hers) was ninety-nine when she died down the street in San Jose in 2022. (I remember thinking my friend was a bit pale, but I had no idea it was so serious.)

Interesting things happen when people read their obituaries. Alfred Nobel saw that in his obit he’d be remembered for the dynamite he invented that brought death and destruction, so he funded the Nobel Prizes, an excellent example of posthumous public relations. And after Ernest Hemingway read about his death he swaggered even more swaggerishly.

As for K****, she’s staying away from San Jose, and that’s always a good idea.

19 May 2024

Is Sex an Aphrodisiac?

Is sex an aphrodisiac?

Brian thought that would be a good topic for his PhD thesis, but he was thinking like a clever tabloid editor, not a practical academic. He lamented that by the time he documented his three-hundredth footnote he was so sick of researching sex and love that he decided to become celibate.

Academia scares me. I’m so fortunate that Dr. Hayes gave me the title of Dr. Rinehart over some drinks without having to bother with a scrap of paper.

As for Brian’s query, don’t ask me; he’s still working on it.

20 May 2024

Le Smellorama

John Waters released his film Polyester in 1981, complete with Odorama, a scratch-and-sniff card to accompany the movie. Waters may have been in the avant-garde, but there was no one marching behind him and the medium never became part of the cinematic lexicon.

The French Post Office recently revisited the idea and created a scratch-and-sniff stamp featuring a baguette. It’s a good idea, but only one scent? What about Gitanes? Or a crowded Parisian bus on a muggy summer afternoon? Perhaps they should hire Waters as a consultant, since, as he noted, “I'm so respectable I could puke.”

(Let the record show that the filmmaker’s Odorama palette featured air freshener, flatulence, gasoline, model glue, natural gas, new car, pizza, roses, skunk, and smelly shoes.)

Coming next weak: more of the same.

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©2024 David Glenn Rinehart