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Weak XIV

3 April 2010

No. 3,020 (cartoon)

I’m afraid someone’s going to ruin me.

Don’t worry; you’re not worth the small effort.

4 April 2010

An Unexplained Dedication

I was in a book store when I spotted a used book by Mark Citret. I opened it and saw that the photographer had inscribed it, “For Justine and Larry.” There’s a story there, but what is it?

Did Justine and Larry sell their gift because they went broke? Or maybe it wasn’t a gift; perhaps Citret jotted that in some stranger’s book at a gallery opening. Or perhaps Justine and Larry had a falling out with Citret. Or possibly Justine and/or Larry are dead, and the estate executor sold the book to the used book store.

I could ask Citret, but I don’t really want an explanation. This is one of those situations where the questions are better than any unsalacious answer.

5 April 2010

Nice, Nice Cod

There’s a coincidence in “nice, nice cod,” but none in “nasty, nasty tuna.” And, since that’s a stupid anagram game, there’s really no coincidence at all.

6 April 2010

Pussycat Attacks Postal Workers!

As an aspiring curmudgeon, I’m continually developing and honing my dislikes. One of them is certainly the use of the word “pussy” as a pejorative. Cats deserve more respect than that.

I’m thinking of Tiger, an aged pussy living in Farsley, England. The sissies there who deliver the mail refuse to go to Tiger’s door for fear of the wilde beastie. Tracey Brayshaw, Tiger’s servant, doesn’t understand how the postal workers could be so psychotic. (Such charming naïveté!)

“If Tiger climbs up a tree, he is done in for the rest of the day,” she explained. “We’ve had him since he was a kitten. He has never done anything like what they say he has done before.”

The nineteen-year old attack cat allegedly pounces on unsuspecting mail carriers then chases them down the path away from the house. Sounds like a scene from a Serengeti watering hole!

“We are sorry for the inconvenience to Mrs. Brayshaw,” explained a Royal Mail apologist. “We want to resume delivery of mail to her address as quickly as possible, we’re trying to agree a way to do this and avoid our employees suffering further nasty injuries as has happened three times already.”

Nasty injuries, what carnage! And a fine example of why “pussy” should not be used as a derogatory slang.

7 April 2010

Always a Catch

Katia sent a nice photograph, and asked me if she “has what it takes” to be a successful artist. I liked her snapshot, so I sent her a positive reply.

Thanks for thinking of me. Good photograph. Now all you have to do is to do something creative like that at least once a day for the rest of your life and you’ll be a successful artist!

Alas, I realized after I received her reply that my response wasn’t as encouraging as I’d intended.

Every day?! For the rest of my life?! Are you deranged?! I knew there had to be a catch.

Wow, a four-sentence note with three interrobangs! I was tempted to remind her that there’s always a catch, but she really should know that by now.

8 April 2010

Glenn’s Ninetieth Birthday Party

I think that today is my father’s ninetieth birthday. I know that he was born on 8 April, 1920, but I’m not exactly sure if it’s technically his birthday since he died in 1991.

His brother Don didn’t seem concerned about such details when he called to ask what I was doing to mark the occasion.

“I’m on my way to the airport to meet up with a beautiful woman flying in from London,” I reported. “I have a bottle of wine and snacks with me for the celebration.”

And then, there was an awkward silence.

“You’re not just taking one bottle, are you?” my uncle asked.

“Of course not!” I lied.

I got away with my unfortunate deceptionw and learned my lesson. I shall have to be more thoughtful in a decade on my father’s centenary.

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©2010 David Glenn Rinehart