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Weak III

15 January 2011

No. 2,594 (cartoon)

I died in prison.

You look fine to me.

No one knows what happened except me.

16 January 2011

Not Wrestling With Gareth

Gareth and I started to get into an argument about astrometry, a topic about which neither of us has more than a scintilla of of understanding. He made an ill-informed comment about quasars, then cut me off before I could respond.

“You’re not smart enough to disagree with me, so please don’t,” he said.

I didn’t argue, since I am smart enough to heed George Bernard Shaw’s advice. “I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.”

17 January 2011

Martin Luther King Day

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. day here in the United States. I’m observing the holiday by pondering one of the civil rights leader’s quotes.

“Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.”

I’m wondering whether I’m creatively adjusted or creatively maladjusted. I hope it’s the former. If human salvation is in my hands, well, so much for salvation.

18 January 2011

Salmoning

I went salmoning through San Francisco on my bike today. I’ve been doing that for years with realizing until now that salmon is a verb as well as a noun. Salmoning is simply pedaling the wrong direction on a one-way street.

I do it all the time, and have never been hurt since I only do so on empty streets. The trick to salmoning is to remember not to do it driving an automobile. I don’t drive cars that much, but when I do, the hardest part is remembering to obey all the laws that I ignore while cycling.

19 January 2011

On Napkins

Why do we humans need napkins? After millennia of practice, why can’t we get all the food in our mouths? Wouldn’t that make more evolutionary sense? And why is there Valentina Salsa Picante on my shirt?

I’m not the only one who needs a napkin. Everyone I’ve met has used—and needed—napkins. Lips are the challenge. If I could learn to eat in big bites and gulps, then I wouldn’t need lips or napkins. That could be one solution to the napkin problem; I shall have to experiment with a burrito when there are no witnesses nearby.

20 January 2011

No Rainbows of Any Description

“If I was feeling any better,” Buzz announced when he arrived for dinner, “I’d be puking up honey-coated rainbows.”

“Smells like they’d be bourbon-soaked rainbows,” I observed.

“You’re probably right,” he agreed.

“In any case,” I replied, “let’s not plan on feeling any better.”

We went on to enjoy an evening free of any instances of reverse peristalsis.

21 January 2011

Taxing Idiots et al in North Dakota

A particular North Dakota tax has a significant loophole; it doesn’t apply to, “paupers, idiots, insane persons, and Indians not taxed.” Legislators want to repeal that exemption, a move that could significantly increase government revenue from idiots and the insane. After all, it seems like anyone who hasn’t taken advantage of North Dakota’s porous borders to escape just might possibly be either an idiot or insane.

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©2011 David Glenn Rinehart