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Weak XXXI

30 July 2012

No. 7,143 (cartoon)

I’m sheathed in an impervious cloak of blood.

Take it off.

You’re sick.

31 July 2012

None of the Above

Let’s see, how can I make an interminably tedious story merely boring?

Alexia asked me whether I preferred option A or option B. Before I had a chance to consider my reply, she added, “The smart people like the second option; which one do you prefer?”

“Let’s see,” I said thinking aloud, “If I go for B, then I’m claiming that I’m smart, and that’s not exactly the case. But if I go for A, then I’m suggesting that I’m not smart, and that’s not exactly the case either.”

“So what’s your answer?” she demanded.

“Both or neither,” I replied, “you choose which.”

That was a close call; I almost had to make a decision. I’m rather pleased that I managed to shift that responsibility to chance in general and Alexia in particular.

1 August 2012

Abandon Ship!

The life at sea isn’t the life for me, so I’ve abandoned ship and moved back to San Francisco. Thanks to Brewster, I’ve gone from being an artist in residence at the Internet Archive to being an artist residing at the Internet Archive. Leaving romantic considerations out of the equation, I’ve never been happier.

2 August 2012

From We to I

Hubert introduced me to his friend Toni, and I’m glad he did. We had a long and lovely introductory conversation. Since we had a century of experiences between us, how could we not?

Toni talked about her past in the first person plural: we moved here, we did this, we went there, we did that, et cetera. She now lives alone. I didn’t ask her how she went from “we” to “I” since that’s almost always a sad story.

3 August 2012

A Difficult Commission

I hate to admit this, but I sometimes do unpleasant things for the money involved. Anastasia got a large commission for a tombstone and offered me a thousand dollars to come up with the inscription. That seemed like a lot of money until I heard the details.

The man we were memorializing was a monster. He was a cruel, alcoholic schizophrenic who abused his wife, abandoned his children, stole from his few friends, and never bathed. She provided many more biographical details, none of them at all positive.

My decades of propagandizing served me well; I came up with an epitaph that delighted Anastasia’s client.

“He lived his life to the end.”

4 August 2012

Gratuitous Photo of the Weak: Kopiko

Months ago I visited a friend at a cafe. My espresso came with a small piece of coffee-flavored candy. I don’t like sweets, so I said I’d bury the candy in my backpack so that when I discovered it later I’d be reminded of our pleasant conversation.

Well, I came across the candy today, and I can’t remember when, where, or with whom I had coffee. I should have known better; an aide-mémoire rarely works for me.

5 August 2012

Fiery Underwear!

Firefighters in Weymouth, England, recently extinguished an underwear fire. Fortunately, no human flesh was involved. It appears that an unnamed Brit decided to dry his underpants and socks in a microwave oven. That proved to be spectacularly unwise; the device exploded and set the flat on fire.

The sketchy news report I read was low on data, but I’d guess alcohol played a significant role. Firemen who extinguished the blaze found the scattered components of a frozen pizza in the clothes dryer.

6 August 2012

Rolls of Honour Suspension

Years ago, 2006 to be more or less exact, I initiated the Rolls of Honour Programme when I moved into the fort and was expected to provide my own toilet paper. Here’s what I wrote during those dark days.

Life among the Philistines is hard enough, but the ignominy of actually having to buy toilet paper is completely absurd. And that’s why I came up with a new art work, Rolls of Honour. (I used the British spelling to make the idea seem slightly less stupid than it is.)

But that was then, and now is now, to be more or less exact. Now that I reside at the Internet Archive, my benevolent benefactors provide all the coffee, fruit, and toilet paper anyone would ever need. At last, my genius has been appropriately rewarded. As a result, I’m no longer accepting toilet paper donations and the Rolls of Honour Programme is suspended.

And so, here’s a final list of what I hope will be the last of the sponsors:

Adobe Systems
The Brower Center, Berkeley
Café Leila, Berkeley
Creekside Inn, Bishop
Murphey’s Motel, Lee Vining

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©2012 David Glenn Rinehart