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5 March 2013

No. 3,595 (cartoon)

My gun is bigger.

It has no trigger.

Don’t snigger.

6 March 2013

Why Are the Apes Still Here?

I try to keep an open mind about most things, but I can’t do that with the creationists. Anyone who thinks god created the universe and everything in it in six days and got drunk on the seventh has an IQ a hundred points south of being an imbecile.

Charles Darwin sounds like a sensible hombre, but still I wonder: if we evolved from apes, why are the apes still here?

7 March 2013

Gratuitous Photo of the Weak: Bitcoin Exchange

Brewster concocted a machine to convert U.S. dollars to bitcoins, a virtual currency, and back again. He asked me to photograph his contraption, so of course I did. He liked the photo, and offered to pay me one bitcoin for all rights to it. As a result, the photograph is now in the public domain and I have my first bitcoin.

I’m pleased, because this proves that al those people who called me a two-bit artist were only half right.

8 March 2013

Cats! and Kittens.

I didn’t argue with Andy when he called me a liar; he had proof. He noted that my “Kittens.” business card was clearly a copy of Duckmandu’s “Cats!” card.

I’m not bothered; plagiarism is the highest compliment I can pay another artist. And anyway, the story I fabricated is more interesting than the truth.

I can’t believe Andy caught me; I had no idea he wasted his time reading this nonsense.

9 March 2013

Not Dying of Nothing

I had lunch with Andrea today at Quemando los dos Extremos. She was surprised when I ordered a three-cheese quesadilla.

“Isn’t that bad for you?” she asked.

“Of course it is,” I replied, “it’s full of fat and salt.”

“Then why did you order it?” she continued.

I explained that food that’s bad for your health is invariably yummy. In addition, I’d feel pretty stupid if I was old and dying of nothing. I can hear my friends saying, “David was such an idiot; he died even though nothing killed him.”

10 March 2013

Pretentious Data

I like to be pretentious when it comes to language; it helps obscure the fact that I know very little about linguistics or grammar. One of my favorite strategies involves correcting someone when they use the word data as a singular noun; I annoyingly point out that data is the plural of datum.

Well, I just changed my mind thanks to a convincing argument by Geoff Nunberg, a real linguist.

Whatever the sticklers say, data isn’t a plural noun like “pebbles.” It’s a mass noun like “dust.”

I’d never heard of a mass noun before, but I’m looking forward to using that as a stick with which to beat people who use data as a plural. Thanks Geoff!

11 March 2013

Courtship Advice

Elaine continues to spurn Kurt’s romantic advances, and he’s frustrated.

“You can’t make someone love you,” I advised.

“Tell me a cliché I haven’t heard,” he replied.

“You should be more positive,” I suggested. “You can’t make her love you, but you can stalk her and hope for the best.”

Curiously, that didn’t seem to cheer him up either.

12 March 2013

Clive Burr

I read in today’s newspaper that Clive Burr, the drummer for the musical ensemble Iron Maiden, died today. Even though he died at the youngish age of fifty-six, I don’t know why his demise merits comment. Drummers always die young; I can’t believe some lazy editor thought this was news.

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©2013 David Glenn Rinehart