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Weak IX
26 February 2019
No. 5,744 (cartoon)
You said you loved me.
I was lying.
That’s why I love you!
27 February 2019
His Wife Can’t Have Her
Samantha has rejected every marriage proposal she’s ever received. She explained that she thought marriage might be a fine institution, but she’s not ready to be institutionalized.
She told me that Joey’s offer last weekend was pathetic bordering on the absurd. Or maybe it was the other way around; I can’t remember.
“He told me he wanted to take me for his wife!” she laughed. “What a looser!”
“I’ve always thought Joey’s a decent bloke,” I replied. “Did you consider that English isn’t his first language?”
“What’s that got to do with it?” she asked. “I told him that his wife can’t have me.”
Love works in mysterious ways, and in Samantha’s case it rarely works at all.
28 February 2019
Better Luck Elusive
Dr. Arnold wrote, “I've been meaning to write, and so that means that no one has been receiving any messages from me. If I mean not to write, I may have better luck.”
I thought that was a most incisive insight. I’ve been meaning to ask him more about that, but have yet to find the time to do so. Perhaps I should give up.
1 March 2019
Go Helgemo!
The foremost bridge player in the world is no longer the foremost bridge player in the world. All of the titles that Geir Helgemo won in the 2018 World Bridge Series have been revoked after the Norwegian admitted taking synthetic testosterone and clomifene during a tournament in Florida.
That’s just plain ridiculous!
What sensible person wouldn’t take drugs to tolerate being in that miserable swamp? And the thought of bridge players on drugs is, with apologies to Exene et al, as ridiculous as knitters on drugs. And anyway, cheating is as normal as apple pie and lutefisk.
The forty-nine-year-old Helgemo is known as “the bad boy of bridge.” I think that’s a remarkable accomplishment even though the average age of other professional bridge players is over seventy.
All Helgemo needs to do is cultivate some organized crime contacts and fix a few games, have a tawdry sex scandal, bribe some World Bridge Federation officials, and he might just lift the tedious game out of the depths of complete obscurity and make it a real sport.
2 March 2019
Dare to be Dumb!
Katia’s latest harebrained scheme was an insult to hares everywhere and I told her so, albeit more politely. I was surprised when she responded to my diplomatic critique with a passionate exhortation.
“Dare to be dumb!” she enthused.
This is the rarest of days indeed, for I not only decided to take her advice but to pass it along.
Savor the juicy fruits of your idiocy!
3 March 2019
Metal Sphere (Orbit) and Metal Sphere (Triptych)
I rescued an old metal sphere from Dr. Baca’s recycling bin in August. I think it must have been the kind of thing that belongs in a garden for plants to embrace, but judging from the thick patina of dust and cobwebs it was a horticultural virgin.
I put the object on a shelf in my studio where it remained strangely unchanged for months. It was eternal, an inanimate object that neither attracted nor shed any detritus. Most curious.
I made a few photographs of the object and ended up with three that I liked. That suggested a triptych so I superimposed the three images to ensure they were exactly the same size and precisely aligned. I made two of the three images partially transparent, and I was pleasantly surprised to discover I didn’t need to move a single pixel.
I liked the effect of the multiple exposures. That was unusual since I never use darkroom magic. I couldn’t decide whether I preferred the multiple exposures over the triptych, so I decided not to decide, and made Metal Sphere (Orbit) and Metal Sphere (Triptych).
4 March 2019
Cheesing Off Babies
The Baby Cheese Challenge is a thing. It’s a fad. It will be over in the blink of an eye. But until then, here’s how it works.
Throw a slice of cheese at a baby’s face and try to get it to stick. That’s it.
Some people might consider the latest craze to be a waste of time and cheese, but not me. Having children is a waste of time, so you may as well make the best out of a bad situation and take advantage of the entertainment opportunities. I am personally grateful for the reporting; it opened my eyes to new possibilities.
Until now, I thought the only reason to have kids was to experiment on them. I did that decades ago with Hannah and Rivka. I talked the toddler twins into always putting catchup on their bananas, which they enthusiastically did. Good girls!
I think the combination of using babies for both experimentation and entertainment is a great idea. None of my friends have infant offspring, so perhaps I’ll go to the park with a few dozen slices of cheese and see if I can get lucky. I may even try it with catchup to find out if it’s a lubricant or an adhesive; that would be an interesting experiment indeed.
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