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Weak XIX

7 May 2019

No. 6,746 (cartoon)

We both need more love, passion, and excitement.

You’re right; we should divorce.

8 May 2019

Galahs Down Under

I was quite surprised to find out that the Reserve Bank of Australia and I share a common philosophy: if you’re going to make a mistake, make it a doozie, a stinker that will be remembered far and wide for years to come.

People are still talking about the editorial I wrote over a third of a century ago, a passionate appeal to protect Antarctic polar bears. I’m still rather proud of that; there are no polar bears in Antarctica.

I’ve been outdone down under. The Australian government printed forty-six million banknotes featuring a misspelled word, “responsibilty.” No one has taken responsibility for the fiasco. I’m not sure if this is because the illiterate offender can remain anonymous in a huge bureaucracy or because most Aussies can’t spell responsibility.

What a bunch of drongoes!

9 May 2019

The Alligator in Her Pants

Another day, another journalism failure. Here’s the headline: Woman pulls alligator from yoga pants after being stopped for driving past a red light.

The reporter noted the suspect’s name was Ariel Michelle Marchan-Le Quire, but referred to the arresting officers only as “Florida sheriff’s deputies.” And so, an investigative journalist will have to do a lot of work to answer the question everyone wants to know. Was it a typical exchange, or did the cop ask the woman, “Is that an alligator in your pants or are you just glad to see me?”

Feh.

10 May 2019

Spanish Inquisition Update

Do you remember the Spanish Inquisition? I don’t. I know my memory’s not the best, but that was five hundred and some years ago. I have, however, seen the historic reënactments by Monty Python, the English theatre troupe. Those must have been terrifying times.

Today, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, but it’s back. I’m thinking of the poor, anonymous prisoner wasting away in Zaballa prison in the Basque region of Spain. He was brutally treated as a heretic and had his religious needs summarily denied because he worshipped Bacchus, the god of wine. As for freedom of religion and freedom of worship, there apparently is none there since his modest request to have a glass of wine with his meals was rejected out of hand.

Spain is one of the few Western countries I’ve never visited, and I probably never will given the sheer brutality of Spanish religious zealots. I, for one, do expect the Spanish Inquisition.

11 May 2019

Great Philosophers Agree

Rhonda chastised me for my indolence and asked me to justify my slothfulness.

Easy!

“It’s like so many great philosophers have said,” I replied, “Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.”

“Who said that?” she asked.

“I just did,” I replied.

“And who else?” she demanded.

“Don’t be so lazy, Rhonda,” I continued. “Don’t expect me to do all of your research for you.”

I hate to be so blatantly hypocritical, but sometimes, slovenly people really do annoy me.

12 May 2019

A Less Odoriferous World

I showed Roscoe a couple of graphs that, according to popular usage by people who speak English, show that the world is simultaneously becoming less odoriferous and more odiferous.

“The research stinks,” he sniffed.

I changed the subject. There’s no point arguing with an academic who’s also a pedant or a pedant who’s also an academic.

13 May 2019

Meat Garden

It’s time for spring cleaning, so the package of hot dogs that has been in the freezer since a friend brought them to a party in 2011 had to go. I also decided to jettison the box of soil on my windowsill since I never planted anything in it. I did, however, amuse myself by putting organic scraps there to watch them decompose if raccoons and birds didn’t carry them off.

I rarely say this, but enough is enough.

I planted the tubular slaughterhouse waste in the barren soil, et voilà redux!

Meat Garden!

14 May 2019

Mystery Solved!

For almost two decades, Astronomers at the Parkes radio telescope in Australia were stumped by mysterious radio signals. It took a while, but the brainiacs eventually concluded that the “suspicious perytons” were only detected when the telescope was aimed toward the staff’s microwave oven. After years of sleuthing, they finally determined that the transmissions were not coming from an intelligent life form; humans produced them with a cheap kitchen appliance.

For all of you research kittens out there, don’t bother telling me the discovery is over four years old. This is the first time I heard about it, so it’s news to me. And anyway, the search for intelligent life anywhere is eternally futile for anyone who overlooks felines.

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©2019 David Glenn Rinehart