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15 May 2019

No. 5,374 (cartoon)

I feel a powerful response when I’m with you.

I’m honored.

Don’t be; it’s reverse peristalsis.

16 May 2019

The Sans Frisco Lesion of Honor

Shi Datuo likes to be called Brian when he’s in my country. (That wouldn’t seem like an unusual request to anyone who knew the English translation of “Shi Datuo.”) English isn’t his first language, and it took me a while to figure out what he meant when he said he wanted to see the Lesion of Honor. I think I’ve heard about museums dedicated to medical maladies, but I’m pretty sure none of ’em are in these parts.

It took me a number of ponderous ponders before I figured out he wanted to visit the Legion of Honor. I think it should be renamed the Legion of Tedium, but that’s another diatribe for another day. Right now I’m fixated on the obvious question ...

Why is there no Lesion of Honor in Sans Frisco?! That’s a void that cries aloud to be filled, but I’m far too lazy to do so.

17 May 2019

Earthquakes on the Moon!

The Express, an alleged English newspaper, frequently features headlines alerting readers to the SHOCK AND HORROR of the accompanying story. I suppose SCREAMING is always a good way to get attention. Here’s today’s example ...

NASA SHOCK: The Moon is SHRINKING “like a raisin” triggering EARTHQUAKES on the Moon

I must admit that is indeed news to me; I would have thought that earthquakes on the moon were as technically impossible as moonquakes on earth.

I’m simply AMAZED!

18 May 2019

Efficacious Delusions

I just learned that Conan O’Brien has hosted more television talk shows than anyone else. I never replaced the television burglars stole forty years ago, so this was news to me. I have yet to see one of his yack shows, but I did run across a nice quote of his.

“I was deluded. And I want to advise your audience that there’s nothing like delusion. If you think you can’t do something, convince yourself that you can. And then have a few drinks and go do it.”

I’m not sure whether there’s any correlation between that bit of advice and my practice of being a legend in my own mind.

19 May 2019

Intentionally Not Blank

Annette received a Dadaesque notice from the treasury. One side of the document featured the obviously false statement, “This space intentionally left blank.” In addition to the type, a small image only a computer could decipher underscored the lie.

I can’t believe there’s an undercover artist lurking amongst the bureaucrats; nice!

20 May 2019

Nose Oil

Imelda reminded me of what analog photography was like in the olde days.

We were having a wonderful time in the darkroom, a great place for teenagers to enjoy some privacy. After some time, I finally got around to showing her how to make a print. I pointed out that the negative had a small scratch, one of the perils of working with film. I demonstrated how easy it was to fix by rubbing my finger on my nose then on the negative.

She was surprised that I was superstitious, so I explained that I did that in order to make a good print for reasons that had nothing to do with good luck or sorcery. Human skin is naturally oily, and nose grease is wonderful for filling in tiny blemishes on the film’s emulsion.

That seems like a long time ago, especially after working with sterile computers for decades. I think my prints are better than anything I could have done in the lab, but I do feel sorry for the youngins who’ll never enjoy the magical experience of darkroom lubricants.

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©2019 David Glenn Rinehart