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Weak XXIV

11 June 2023

No. 8,130 (cartoon)

Our love is a lie.

You’re saying that on your back.

You’re always good for a laugh.

12 June 2023

Dinosaur Domination

Conrad took a break from gnawing on a chicken bone to announce that he, not a dinosaur, was now the planet’s apex predator. He claimed that dinosaurs ruled the earth “not too long ago, in terms of cosmic time,” but today he was chewing on the dinosaurs’ evolutionary successor.

Yep, there you have it, the pinnacle of millions of years of evolution: a pudgy old man grabbed a factory farm bird from a freezer and is devouring it fresh from a greasy microwave oven. Even his old dog guffawed.

13 June 2023

True Love

Angelina is a most attractive woman; maybe even quite beautiful depending on your aesthetic perspective. After many years and almost as many drinks this evening I finally asked her why, to the best of my knowledge, she’s never had a romantic partner in the last decade.

“That would be nice, I suppose,” she replied. “The thing is that I’m so in love with myself that there’s none left for anyone else.”

I often embed a joke in my modest reportage, and the joke here is that there’s no joke here.

14 June 2023

Cormac McCarthy, The Ex, and the Gun in the Vagina

Cormac McCarthy died yesterday in Santa Fe a few days after I moved west. I was and wasn’t surprised to hear the news. I never knew he was a neighbor, conceptually speaking, and I know nothing of his work since I’ve never toiled in the field of great litterature or any other pasture.

I tried to read a flattering obituary, but didn’t make it beyond a headline about Jennifer McCarthy, a previous spouse: Cormac McCarthy’s Ex-Wife Pulled A Gun Out Of Her Vagina During An Argument About Aliens.

I (re)learned two things from that little anecdote. Don’t marry someone who’s half your age. And don’t bother concocting fictional stories; the real ones are so much better and right in front of you if you know where to look.

15 June 2023

Jean Cocteau’s Amazing Day

This is the fifteenth day of June, time to again observe Jean Cocteau’s Amazing Day. It’s a joyous celebration of his profound and timeless insight, “Stupidity is always amazing, no matter how used to it you become.”

And so, I can report after a brief perusal of the Internet, that the Titanic never sank. As for the wreckage on the ocean floor; that’s the sister ship, the Olympic, scuttled in the classic insurance scam swaperoo.

Or maybe it did sink, and John Pierpont Senior did it to snuff rivals who opposed the Federal Reserve. Or perhaps it was Winston Churchill. Or traitorous Catholic shipbuilders. Or a German submarine. Or maybe it was the Freemasons; that’s always a safe bet.

I learned all this from the Chinese Internet site, Tiktok, an oasis for free-thinkers in the fetid conformity of the Internet. About one-sixth of American users who spend an hour a day on the site aren’t sure that the earth is actually round.

All this skepticism is surely the sign of open minds, so open their brains slopped out onto the floor never to be seen again.

Amazing! No matter how used to it you become ...

16 June 2023

The Truth About Dogs

I often trash the New York Times; it’s a big, fat, stupid target on a day when I’m too lazy to think of anything better. But that was then and this is, by definition, now.

I just gotta tip my fedora to the old, grey lady for having the courage to print The Truth About Dogs. It probably cost them at least a hundred subscribers and hundreds of dollars, but the publishers and editors nevertheless printed Judge [sic] John Hodgman’s unbiased description of our canine fiends.

So much of loving dogs is learning to tolerate repulsion. You live knowing that this beloved muzzle is at once devoted to licking you up with adoration, and at the same time shoving itself into as much urine, feces, and fellow dog butt as it can find.

Lizzie, my furry feline friend with whom I’m staying, had a gander at that quote and nodded her head, so it must be true.

17 June 2023

Daniel Ellsberg’s Last Laugh

Daniel Ellsberg died yesterday. Ninety-two, a good run indeed. He left us with this observation about spending his last days: “If I had known dying would be like this, I would have done it sooner.”

Good job, Daniel; always leave ’em laughing!

Coming next weak: more of the same.

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©2023 David Glenn Rinehart