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Weak XXV

18 June 2023

No. 4,950 (cartoon)

Why are you so unlike almost everyone?

I unlike almost everyone.

19 June 2023

Anonymous Proposal

Freddie’s latest easy money scheme is to legally change his name to Anonymous and then collect royalty payments from all the published and broadcast work attributed to Anonymous. Most of his ideas are stillborn, and since he can’t organize the army of lawyers that it would take to make the scam work, I’m sure he will never make it past the hypothesis stage.

I mention the idea here in case some masochist wants to pursue it and spend the rest of her or his life in court. Here’s my Anonymous advice: don’t. It’s a clever idea, but a rather bad one.

20 June 2023

Untitled Usually Isn’t

Evelyn asked me if I’d ever heard of a truly untitled piece of art, a question that needs some linguistic perspective. There are lots of nominally untitled pieces, but Untitled is the formal title. I wonder if there’s ever been a truly untitled piece, a piece without any title at all?

I don’t know how or if that would work, but the Beatles’ ninth studio album provides an interesting example. If I have the story straight, the proper name of the release is simply The Beatles, but it’s almost universally known by its colloquial name, The White Album. Even if an artist refused to associate any words to a truly untitled canvas, I don’t think it would take long before curators and critics were calling it The Big Orange Triangle Painting.

21 June 2023

How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety

Alexia only has one book on her shelf, and it’s a beauty, How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety. I was initially impressed until I read the title for a second time. Hold everything ...

Zachary Auburn doing business as The American Association of Patriots is certainly an amusing feller, and an astute one at that. He knows his one-liners, his two-liners, and even his mainliners, but he don’t know his cats.

First of all, it’s better to “talk with” and not “talk to,” regardless of species. And when it comes to pusses, you’re better off following Joseph Beuys’ example and conversing with a dead rabbit instead; the deceased bunny is certain to be more appreciative and interested in your advice and insights.

22 June 2023

More Airplanes in the Ocean

Five billionaires just learned a critical lesson in submarining: any sub can reach the ocean floor; the difficult part is returning to the surface in one piece. The Titan was crushed deep in the ocean like a weak old can, which ain’t a bad description of the dubious submersible scattered across the ocean floor at last report.

My father, who was a cook in the navy, explained that a submarine is basically a big, metal burrito except that it holds a lot more rice, beans, salsa, and cheese even with a full crew. He went on to note the difference between a submarine and a fish taco: except for tragic cases like the Titan, the fish are outside the sub. He also sagely noted that there are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky, an insight I treasure to this day.

23 June 2023

Off Target

Hubert suggested that I use a snapshot I made months ago in a grocery store bathroom as an excuse to tell a sick baby joke or two. Dumb.

I still don’t know what to do with the image of the chopped-up baby that must be some variation on a Rorschach test. Who would exhibit such a diagram next to the butcher’s display counter? An adolescent prank run amok? A graphic designer’s desperate cry for help?

I’m overthinking this. Even a creepy bathroom is clearly preferable to urinating in the parking lot bushes, as is tradition.

24 June 2023

Faking Success

It’s early in the morning and I’m still processing my massive dose of caffeine, but I can tell this is going to be a good day because it already is. I have my ups and downs like everyone else, but I just saw a couple of headlines that reaffirmed my belief in humanity.

Harvard Scholar Who Studies Honesty Is Accused of Fabricating Findings

Harvard professor who studies honesty accused of falsifying data in studies

I’m sure there are more words to the story than that—gotta have some copy to pad out the advertisements—but those are a couple of slugs that tell me everything I need to know without bothering with superfluous pesky facts and details.

I’ve heard it all before: “The secret of success is sincerity. Fake that and you’re in.”

The problem with that quote is that it’s generally attributed to Anonymous. With a couple of sentences Francesca Gino at the Harvard Business School could be famous as well as infamous; here’s all she has to say: “The most important thing is honesty. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

25 June 2023

Next to Godliness

I’ve had a most atypical week. Not to brag (although I’m about to do just that), but I generally enjoy hardly working. I don’t know where I went wrong, but for the last six days I’ve been working hard. On a positive note, I have reviewed the work that I have done in the last half dozen days, and it is good, so on this, the seventh day, I shall rest.

As Lao Tzu said, “Slothfulness is next to godliness.” I thought I’d ponder those wise words over a bowl of instant ramen and habaneros, then realized pondering is working, so I’ll stop right now right here.

Coming next weak: more of the same.

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©2023 David Glenn Rinehart