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26 June 2023

No. 9,898 (cartoon)

Your poison is the air.

Would you prefer a glass?

27 June 2023

Little Known Naval History

I had a lovely lunch with Michael and Lucile today. At one point we talked about fighting for independence from England, and that reminded me of a story my late friend Al Weber published in his newsletter twenty years ago. I couldn’t find this story on the Internet, so I’m reprinting it here so that generations yet unborn can appreciate the valor and spirit of revolutionary war sailors.

Little Known Naval History

The USS Constitution, Old Ironsides, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea.

However, let it be noted that according to her log, “On July 27, 1798, the USS Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder, and 79,400 gallons of rum.”

Her mission: “To destroy and harass English shipping.”

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there on 12 November. She provisioned 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England.

In the ensuing days, she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled twelve English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, and though unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.

Then she headed home.

The USS Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

I’m happy to report that I experienced that rich maritime tradition in my Greenpeace days way back in the last millennium. We had a sea ditty (not to be confused with a sea shanty) that was very popular on the bridge of the real Rainbow Warrior, where the captain chugged on a big bottle of Lemon Hart rum (over seventy-five percent alcohol!) while crossing the Pacific.

With a hai! hai! hai!
And a hee! hee! hee!
We will drink a lot of rum,
When we go to sea!

Peter was right: “Hell, anyone can drive a boat when they’re sober.”

28 June 2023

Naps Are Good for You

The headlines are everywhere: Naps Are Good for You. Why is this news? I learned that when I was only a few months old; how did so many other people forget?

Working tirelessly is just plain stooopider than stupid; that’s why I take a nap when I’m exhausted. Eat when you’re hungry, drink when you’re thirsty, sleep when you’re tired: life isn’t all that hard if you don’t overthink it.

Toni said that I was part of the avant-garde since I’ve been napping whenever I felt like it for decades, but I demurred. I pointed out that “ahead of the guard” assumes we’re all marching in the same direction; she murred and agreed that phrase was one to be eschewed and spit out.

29 June 2023

Tora! Tora! Nikon!

Jim Rassol was photographing a professional baseball game when he was almost struck by a baseball traveling at a hundred and seventy kilometers an hour. The good news—or bad news, if you value property more than health—is that the ball made a direct hit on his twelve-thousand-dollar Sony telephoto lens and not his face.

His journalism friends heard about the improbable accident and the freelancer’s uninsured lens and started a fundraising drive to help him replace it. By the time they’d raised seven thousand dollars, Sony executives also heard of it and offered to replace it for whatever he’d collected so far. A touching act of corporate generosity!

Of course it wasn’t.

Given the cost of manufacturing, Sony probably made money on the deal, and got a lot of great free publicity in the process. Win-win, as the Californians say.

Too bad the Nikon marketing flacks aren’t that savvy. I offered them some brilliant advertising copy, a generous act that went unacknowledged. In case any Nikon managers are reading this, I’ll repeat it.

“Without Nikon precision bombsights and other military-grade optics, Pearl Harbor never could have happened.” That right there is what’s known in the trade as advertising gold!

Atari! Tora! Tora! Nikon!

30 June 2023

Oops!

I am fascinated by freak events, the more macabre the better. The python in the toilet, the tarantula in the hat, the scorpion in the boot: they are great stories, so who cares if they really happened or are just entertaining urban legends?

And then there's the story of the woman whose leg got caught in the moving walkway at the Bangkok airport, and the only way to set her free was to cut off her leg. Now there's an unseeable picture that stays in the mind! Sadly, this story is actually true; I read about it on the Internet so there’s no doubt.

It's funny, except it’s not, how horrific stories stick in your mind as a cautionary tales, regardless of the improbabilities. I’d guess that such a walkway accident doesn't happen more than once every decade or two, yet I'm sure that after hearing about such a tragedy some people will never ever get on a human conveyor belt again.

1 July 2023

Susan’s Studio

I dropped by Susan’s studio to move a heavy sculpture she’s been working on. We both know better than to share work in progress, so she didn’t offer to show me and I didn’t ask to see it.

Coming next weak: more of the same.

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©2023 David Glenn Rinehart