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Weak XXXV

28 August 2023

No. 1,699 (cartoon)

Flyin’ on wine, feelin’ fine!

Your head’s gonna be a terrible big hurt when you sober up.

Only a damn fool would do such a thing.

29 August 2023

Why Cats Like Tuna

Common sense isn’t; I know that only too well. That’s why I subscribe to Chemical Senses; better living through chemicals works if you do your homework!

I just saw David Grimm’s article in last month’s issue, Why do cats love tuna so much? Scientists may finally know. I didn’t like it for the obvious reason: I don’t like to reward testing on animals—especially cats—to confirm what any idjit would know, e.g., “Let’s beat the hell out of a baby monkey, put it in a freezer for fifteen minutes, then see if it exhibits any negative reactions.”

Scott McGrane and his colleagues at the Waltham Petcare Science Institute (owned by a pet food corporation) analyzed a euthanized cat’s tongue and discovered it had both Tas1r1 and Tas1r3 tuna-loving genes.

So what?

Cats like tuna because it tastes good. As if that’s not enough, the pusses have developed a Pavlovian response to can openers over the last century. Case closed.

30 August 2023

Such a Thing

Did you ever see something exactly where you left it a week ago, but then realize that you saw it somewhere else just a couple of days ago even though no one could have moved it there yet there and it couldn’t have migrated back and forth on its own—but then again just might have as some sort of foolish poltergeist escapade—but now it’s precisely where it started out as if it had been there the whole time even though it wasn’t?

I’ve never seen such a thing either.

31 August 2023

Thirteenth-Trimester Birth Control

Jazmin Paez ain’t all that smart. Exhibit A: The eighteen-year-old Florida mother has a three-year-old son. (Do the math.) Exhibit B: She went to a hitman parody site on the Internet and offered three thousand dollars to have her son murdered, “taken away, far, far, far away and possibly be killed by ASAP.”

The boy’s eighteen-year-old father Gamaliel Soza was in on the farce; he wrote, “I told you about the kid, you won’t do anything.” Now the parents are looking at charges including first-degree conspiracy to commit murder, soliciting murder, that sort of thing. Just plain stupid.

Had the incompetent parents been more patient they could have waited until the Florida governor followed through on his plans to legalize slavery, or at least hired a medical professional to perform a thirteenth-trimester abortion.

I hate stories that end with a lesson, so I won’t point out the obvious: education generally pays and murder rarely does.

1 September 2023

The Largest Bottle of Whisky in the World

I’m as tall as the world’s largest bottle of whisky, and that’s where the similarity ends. It contains three hundred and eleven liters of Macallan single malt, and I can’t even hold one.

Viet Nguyen Dinh Tuan paid over a million dollars for the preposterous novelty. I’ll spare you the math, but that works out to a hundred and fifteen dollars a tightfisted shot smaller than anyone but the most parsimonious host would pour. That’s over four hundred times more than the functional Scotch swill I swill costs.

I briefly considered that he might have done it for the convenience. After all, who hasn’t had their libational rhythm and flow disrupted by the need to unscrew the top off another bottle at an inopportune moment? But I don’t think the logistical advantage is worth a million dollars, especially since no one can pour from a bottle that weighs over three hundred kilograms without spilling a few drams.

Nah, the guy is just one of those idiots with way more money than brains. And that gives me an idea.

I’m sure I could get three hundred and twelve liters of Scotch for under three thousand dollars, and could make an easy million selling it to Viet so he could still be the proud albeit gullible owner of the largest bottle of whisky in the world.

2 September 2023

Pasta Cheese Auras

I saw a couple of pieces of pasta smothered in cheese that had fallen out of the pan and onto the stovetop beside a burner. Later, I discovered that the pasta had mysteriously vanished leaving pasta cheese auras.

That’s all.

Coming next weak: more of the same.

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©2023 David Glenn Rinehart