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Weak XXXVI

3 September 2023

No. 7,529 (cartoon)

I’m crushed on the floor of a bottomless pit.

It’s only going to get worse.

Hope springs eternal!

4 September 2023

Boring Man

Today is a day rich in snarky, sticky schadenfreude, with tens of thousands of smug, entitled, and annoying people literally stuck in the mud at the Boring, er, Burning Man circus.

Randall and I were both a little upset after reading the news reports; we were both sorry that the mud wasn’t deeper. We did, however, agree to disagree over the event’s significance.

“With evil slimeweasels like Jared Kushner, Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg festering there, no one can call the smugfest the counterculture,” he declared.

“Awe contrary,” I rejoindered. “The gathering of the corporate tribes is certainly definitely counter to my culture.”

5 September 2023

Killer Tortilla Chips

Harris Wolobah died after eating a tortilla chip. But not just any tortilla chip. This one was coated with enough chilis to gag an ox and marketed to people who are stupid enough to risk an overdose. Sadly, the fourteen-year-old student rose (lowered?) to the occasion, although it’s unclear what—if any—role the peppers played in his death.

“The pain our family is experiencing is unimaginable,” reported one of the late lad’s cousins.

She dealt with her profound grief by setting up a donation site on the Internet where people could send money. It’s unclear why someone would ask for lots of cash after the death of a relative; everyone deals with heartbreak differently. Perhaps she’ll use some of the tens of thousands of dollars already contributed to warn others not to play macho games with the hottest peppers in the world.

Nah, there’s no amount of money in the universe that could slow the relentless advance of stupidity and the related thinning of the herd. As for me, I’m sticking with habaneros; I can and do live with second degree burns.

6 September 2023

What’s Wrong With This Photograph?

After Charlie Watts died, the Rolling Stones ensemble has been reduced to three recognizable names and faces; the rest of the musicians in the band are fungible. Mark Seliger recently made a fine publicity photograph of the eightyish core trio, but there’s something wrong with it.

The image shows the three walking down the street carrying their instrument cases as if they’re on the way to sing for their supper at a dive bar. And there’s the problem right there: how many decades do you think it’s been since they carried their own guitars? I’ll bet those cases are empty unless they’re filled with helium.

7 September 2023

Still Irreplacable, Alas

I decided to give so-called artificial intelligence another test, so I fed one of the ostensibly clever machines a one-sentence news summary ...

11,000 runners out of the 30,000 participants at last month’s Mexico City Marathon have been disqualified by organizers for cheating by cutting out sections of the 26.2-mile course.

... as well as a sentence of my own: cheating is normal and healthy; that's how humans work.

Instead of getting a few paragraphs I could pass off as my own, the program gave me a pious little lecture:

Cheating is not considered normal or healthy behavior in most contexts. In sports and competitions, cheating undermines the integrity of the event and the achievements of those who have followed the rules. It can lead to unfair advantages for some participants and diminish the overall spirit of competition.

Cheating can also have negative consequences in other areas of life, such as education, business, and personal relationships. It erodes trust, damages reputations, and can lead to serious consequences, including legal actions in some cases.

While humans may face temptations to cheat or bend the rules in various situations, it is generally seen as unethical behavior and is discouraged in most societies and organizations. The majority of people value fair play, honesty, and integrity, which are essential for maintaining trust and a level playing field in various aspects of life.

Feh; what a load of righteous pablum.

In one of life’s little ironies, I’m trying to get a machine to replace me while others live in fear of just that.

Feh redux.

8 September 2023

Envenomation

I mentioned the thinning of the herd a few days ago, and that got me to thinking: whatever happened to the Darwin Awards? I remember writing about them every year in the past; it’s an easy way of slapping a notebook entry together without too much effort.

I did a quick search of the previous ten thousand one hundred and twelve days and was mildly disturbed to discover that I’d never written about the Darwin Awards even once. So much for the imagined correlation between my memory and reality ...

It appears the Darwin Awards haven’t been announced for this year, so I looked back to see what I missed last year. In short, not much.

The best case I found involved David Riston, who lived with a hundred and twenty-four snakes until one of them killed him. The predictable story is only worth citing because of the cause of death: snake envenomation.

Thanks to Riston, envenomation is the most recent addition to my modest vocabulary. Live and learn! Die and learn! It all works out ...

9 September 2023

Just Five Nickels in a Tin Can

“You can put five nickels in a tin can and call it a two-bit solution, but it’s still just five nickels in a tin can,” Rebecca declared.

“What are you on about?” I asked. “Are you getting all inscrutable on me again?

“It’s another one of my genius statements,” she replied, “and that’s almost an understatement since I combined math, marketing, semantics, and philosophy into an elegant sentence.”

“I think we can agree that your brilliance is unparalleled,” I agreed.

I meant that she was flaming bonkers. Fortunately, she took it as a compliment; that’s what obsessively egotistical people usually do.

Coming next weak: more of the same.

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©2023 David Glenn Rinehart